I realized today, that it is wrong to hold someone in such high regard. Not in a respectful sense, but when you put them on a pedestal. On this pedestal, you have an untainted image and with that comes the highest of expectations. It is an injustice, and I'm afraid I have done someone just that.
You see, there is this young man who I hold very close to my heart. I love him tremendously. I don't think I could find enough words to explain how strongly I feel for him. To be simply put, he is the most beautiful person I have ever encountered. He is moral, intelligent, deeply caring, and everything I strive to be. He's hard on himself for his mistakes and humble in his helping ways. He's not perfect but in my eyes, I always held him to be. That right there is a problem.
I've done him a great disservice when I found myself disappointed last night. Over the years I've known him, there's been a slight change in his ways and having learned this recent change, I was let down; shocked. I thought to myself, "no, this isn't the man I know. The man I know wouldn't, and couldn't, do these things he once claimed he'd never be able to". Here I was, unworthy of his very love and judging his decisions when I had no place to. All because I was in disbelief, but I was only in disbelief because I unknowingly created unreasonable expectations for him. For this person, just like any other, bound imperfect in this life. I let my fear overcome my logic, and began to push away all progress that was starting to bud.
I've always had this stigma in my head that he was too good for me; better than me; I'd never deserve him. Bang! Another big mistake I made! What a sad thing, to compare oneself to another. We are all tainted beings- sinners. Our mistakes are inevitable and a necessary component to our learning experiences. We all have decisions to be ashamed- it is what makes us human.
Who was I to put these wrongdoings on a scale to determine which is greater than those of thee? The simple matter of fact is that he is still the same man I have always known, even more so beautiful having risen upon great struggle! I love him and every damn flaw that comes with him. I love him so much it scares me and if I'm not willing to take a leap of faith, I'm never going to see what could be and I will forever wonder what could have been.
Pushing him away and finding reasons not to open up to the possibilities is not only so very unfair to him, but also to myself. It's time I outgrow these childish ways and learn that people will let you down. They will hurt you. I can't just shut out whoever causes me pain, for I am guilty of the act myself. If I close myself off to these chances in fear of getting hurt, I am not alive. I will live a dull and lonely life, void of the wonders in love and happiness. I will in turn, live a life absent of risk and in turn, absent of any meaning at all.
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