Things You Must Know About Girls Who Build Walls

She looks well put together, happy, and seems to always be having a good time. You get to talking to her and you think to yourself, "wow, this girl is pretty darn cool". She's funny, cheerful, and laid back. But the more you talk to her and try to get to know her, you start to notice that she's holding back. She hasn't shared anything personal and when you try to ask any questions about her past or anything dear to her heart, she awkwardly averts the question all together. 

Bingo.

Not only did I just describe myself, but I also described many other girls who present themselves the same. Of course, this isn't only a problem for women (as there are many men who share the same qualities), but today I'm focusing on us girls. We who build walls and fortunately for you, I just happen to be an expert.

Girls Who Build Walls 101

Behind this girl, are ugly stories and past times that haunt her. Upon her face, she wears a frequent smile to hide her pitiful brokenness and it is behind great walls, this brokenness lies. 

1. Alas! You can't fix her. 

For some reason guys seem to be attracted to a damsel in distress. I think something about being a knight in shining armor grants them a sense of masculinity. Anyway, she is not your responsibility, or anyone else's for that matter. So don't bother trying to sweep her off her feet. Not only would it be a waste of your time, but it would also be a tad insulting. That may strike as odd, but in her mind, she is taking care of herself. She's always had to be self sufficient and she's gotten so use to coping in solitude, that it will take more than a boy trying to play hero to change that.

2. Don't try to break down her walls.

I repeat, do not try to break down her walls. She will immediately recognize you as a threat and even if you were so lucky as to remove a brick, she'd insert another (and probably one more after that for good measure). Give her some credit for crying out loud; she put a lot of time in effort into constructing these defenses. How dare you try and destroy them!

3. She isn't ready to let anyone in yet.

She has skeletons in her closet, and she doesn't plan on showing you them anytime soon. Whether it's because she's ashamed of an ugly past or so scarred by it that she refuses to revisit, it is imperative that you accept that she simply isn't ready.

4. If you're trying to earn her love: Good Luck (insert an encouraging pat on the back here)

It's a long journey, and a hidden path in which few have ventured. Unfortunately for you, she's covered it's tracks upon heartbreak. She can't give you her heart, for not only has it not been returned, but when she does get it back, she'll understandably guard it vivaciously. She'll tend to it's wounds and keep it dear to her, for she's realized how painstaking it's absence is.

5. If your still determined to win her over despite these down falls: give her space. 

Tell her how you feel and don't be offended when she needs time to digest it. Be understanding that it's hard for her to trust and even harder for her to open up and let anyone see even the most minuscule hardship she's facing. 

6. Be patient.

Let her try to push through her struggles alone. This doesn't mean you should ignore her, in fact, it's necessary you reassure her that you are there for her. That way she knows if she needs a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on, that she can count on you. She's stubbornly set on helping herself as her resilience has fooled her into thinking she can handle far more than she can carry. It is not until her legs give out beneath heavy shoulders that she is humbled. Humbled from keeping her head high, proud of how strong she is and proud of her tolerance for pain. 

It is in this moment that she is most vulnerable. She will either go to you in desperation, or will instead (and most likely) go through the cycle a few more times, before realizing she really can't do it on her own.

She'll find herself saying "next time I'll be stronger" and "next time I won't break". She'll wonder how many more times she'll have to fix herself before she becomes invincible, or if she's ever even fixed herself in the first place. She'll contemplate if she's been broken all along and only fooled periodically into thinking she had put the pieces back together. 

That is however, for her to figure out. 

7. She will need to fail, most likely several times, before she will come to you.

It is imperative however, that you let her make the first step when she is ready. It will not be until she fails that she recognizes she needs help. Equivocate the process to someone who smokes cigarettes. You can't tell them they to quit; they need to realize it and do it on their own. 

8. Don't have expectations...

Unless you wish to be let down that is, for she is unpredictable and unintentionally destructive. She'll tell you to stay away, and push you away with the mindset that you'd be better off with out her. Of course it's reasonable to expect the norm, like respect and kindness. If she's mean to you/rude to you, I am no way saying it is justifiable because she has problems to work through. That's no excuse and for lack of better words, chances are she's just a bitch (and I suggest you run). Us girls who build walls understand what it is to struggle and so we are cautious in how we treat others. We also wouldn't want to drive everyone completely away because we fear actual solitude (not mental since we self bestow that, but literal, in the realistic sense). We just don't want to tell you our life story and greatest fears is all, hence the guarded persona. Anyway, I digress.

9. Lastly and most importantly: Don't give up on her.

No one said that this would be easy. In fact, she tried everything she could to warn you and send you the opposite direction. She knows that she has a lot of work to do and she knows that it would be far too much to ask you to try and keep up with it. So in a sense of idiotic martyrdom, she gives you a way out because she'd feel guilty asking you to stay. Don't give up though, you've made it this far! 

If you can trudge through her trenches and get through to her, I promise that you will uncover the rawest and truest beauty. Beauty that she herself will never see until someone shows it to her. After all, it is the through great pain and hardship that the most beautiful people are born.

Now you just have to ask yourself: are you willing to dig up this deeply buried treasure?

Two Types Of People

I believe that there are two types of people in this world.

Person #1	Person #2
Career focused Foresees wealth, big houses, and expensive cars in their future Family is a possibility for them later down the line, if at all.	Family focused Foresees a spouse and children of their own Knows they need enough finances to do so, but doesn't value all the riches in the world over building their own family

Real quick, here's a very vague scenario to get my point across. There are two men named Brad and John, both twenty-one, both just recently starting new relationships, and both working at the same job in New York (let's call it a successful company with equal opportunity for growth). Brad gets a phone call at work- there is a job opening in LA with a higher paying salary and they are interested in meeting with him. Without a thought, Brad accepts the offer and will be on a plane to catch an interview that weekend. As John is getting ready to leave the office, he too gets a similar phone call but asks if he can get back to them. He's hesitant because he just started seeing someone and feels it has potential to go somewhere. He's content with the amount of money he earns and he could support a family of his own if needed. He talks to his girlfriend, calls back the company, and declines the offer. In case you hadn't come to the conclusion yourself, Brad falls under the explanation of Person # 1 and John under the explanation of Person #2.

The scenario may be very black and white, but the bluntness completely supports the concept. You are either a person who looks at your future and first sees a career, or first sees a family. Not saying you can't want both a family and success, because you can (I do), but it is simply not attainable simultaneously. Brad will move to LA if he gets the job and that will be the end of his relationship with his girlfriend. Meanwhile John, decides to stay with his girlfriend and thus further opens the possibility of building a life with her. He values the potential of his relationship over the higher paying job. Brad does not see it this way.

With all that, this jibber jabber leads me to a more pressing and personalized subject. In an attempt to decipher why I can more easily envision myself bearing children as opposed to being the CEO of a large company, I came up with this two types of people theory (although I'm sure I'm not the first to think, write, or share the idea). I am well aware of the complexity and individuality of every person, but I don't think it's unrealistic to say that we can all place ourselves under one of these two simple categories.

I'm a 19 year old young woman, understandably still searching for a profession, still trying to earn self sufficiency, and still unsure of what my future holds for me. When I try to envision my life five years from now, it opens the floodgates to so many fears and unknowns. Yet in the midst of all the chaos there is a resolute vision of all the things I am certain I do want. All in relation to a spouse and children; a family.

I want to stumble into someone absolutely unexpectedly and I want to fall madly in love with them in a way I am most pleasantly surprised. I want a feeling so strong that every heartache, tear shed, and moment of loneliness was all worth the journey that brought me to the man by my side. I want to finally understand, as opposed to anticipate, why it never worked out with anyone else. I want to find someone that exceeds every expectation and makes me laugh in disbelief that I had ever been with anyone else. I want to be so in love that I wake up every morning unable to fathom how I got so lucky as to call this man, "mine". I want to exchange vows and boldly dare the universe to try to separating us, with not a single fear that it actually could because we were invincible together. I want us to single handedly be responsible for the creation of new life and I will be so honored to protect and carry that life until our baby is ready to meet the world. I want to do this not just once, but multiple times. I want to build a sturdy empire. I want to raise our children in a manner that I can present them to the world in confidence that their presence will make it a better place. I do not want them unfamiliar of unconditional love, for I want them to be born into arms that will never make them question their belonging. When I'm a mother, I will be a great one. I say that with unwavering faith because I know every hardship I have ever overcome holds more purpose than for my own self-growth. I will carry these experiences with grace, to and past the day that motherhood is blessed upon me. I will turn to my past times for strength and knowledge, an advantageously use them to be the best mother I can possibly be. Excitement washes over me just thinking about it all. I know it's a lot to want but I also know that no matter what happens, I will make always make due and that the best is yet to come.

How is it however, that at such a young age, I feel that I have the right to even ponder these things, let alone be so eager for this undetermined future? I've been finding myself drooling over babies and daydreaming about a man that says, "Honey I'm home", when he walks in the door. I snap out of these thoughts concerned because I have hardly even started my life yet. Just like when I was a little girl and people used to ask me what I want to be when I grew up- the answer always changes because I'm so interested in so many things! I don't want to work in retail my whole life and I certainly don't plan on finding a man to rely on because I most definitely don't want to be dependent.. So knowing all this, why am I even wasting time thinking about a husband and kids when they are light years away?

Why am I watering these thoughts when there is currently no room for the roots to grow?

The answer is simple. It's because I fall under the category of Person #2. It took me all this rambling to realize that it's simply in my nature and that these thoughts are inevitable. As long as I'm not running around trying to get knocked up, these thoughts are exactly just that- thoughts. No need to worry and no need to go off on a tangent that I'm abnormal for having them. I may not know what career to chose or where I will be five years from now, but there is nothing wrong in knowing where I want to be.

I'm not saying that my only goal in life is to be a wife and a mother, but if I find myself with a baby in my arms and a ring on my finger five years from now, I can't see a single reason why I wouldn't be a happy woman.