My Job Changed Me

I think my job changed me as a person.

Or maybe it's just the passing time that's molded me into the person I have become.

I can't help but wonder if certain things in my life didn't happen the way they did, if I would be different and better than I am today. I feel that I am often finding I don't like the person I see and when I come to these realizations I try to change that. I've grown another year older and I have come to the conclusion that I'll probably never be satisfied with the person I am simply because that is the type of person I am. Does that even make sense? I don't know but I'm going with it.

Back to my job- I work in a pharmacy and I've done quite well for myself financially speaking (from where I have started to where I am now that it is). I have worked there for three years and have noticed qualities about myself that are no longer alive in me. I used to be extremely outgoing and social. Now I am more of an anti-social hermit. If I met me three years ago in the grocery store, younger me would've struck up a conversation with just about anyone. Fast forward to today and I avoid any interactions with other people at all costs as if they were the plague.

I've seen the worst in people. The negativity is daunting and heavy in my work place. It is a daily norm to get yelled at and it just about expected that more than half of exchanges with customers are going to be sour ones. I know to an extent that my own attitude is half the battle, but I've worked in an environment that has bred me to be this way, bracing for the impact everyday. I consistently try to alter the negativity with positivity, but so often it is unsuccessful. It feels the more I am defeated, the less I want to stand up and fight and as a result, I fall to the level of the rotten public.

My job has changed me as a person.

I am more than understanding that in a pharmacy I am working with medicine and therefore sick people, but you would have to work a day in my shoes to truly understand the abuse that we put up with working in the retail setting of medicine. People have learned to complain about everything and be nasty to get what they want. The world has become so bitter and misery truly does love company. I often encounter people who I truly believe have nothing better to do but go places and cause scenes. Sometimes it seems there are people who receive true enjoyment in putting other people down. A bad mood is like a disease and it spreads like cancer from one person to the next. A dangerous ripple effect. It is so much easier to allow yourself to be in a poor mood than it is to lift yourself out of that abyss. I know this because it is a daily struggle of mine.

It makes me extremely sad to think about the hopeful person I once was, and the bitter person I now am when I look at the world and the people that inhabit it. However, it is so important to remember that everyone isn't like this. It may seem like there is no good left but sometimes that because your too focused on the bad to even notice it. I don't want to be this person in the darkness, unhappy to go to my job everyday. It's no way to go through life.

I won't give up. I will continue to try and be the change I wish to see in the world. It may feel like you can't make a difference, but even the smallest of actions can make the biggest impacts in someone else's day. It is not hard to be kind. It is actually relatively easy and mutually beneficial at that. It's too bad that there are so many people out there just like me, who don't have the desire to be better and change themselves. They have let themselves rot to the core and they are truly missing out on the beauty that life has to offer.

My job has changed me as a person, but I am no longer going to let it have that control over me. The truth of the matter is that it never really had control over me in the first place. I just allowed myself to believe that to justify the shell of a person I have become. I chose the pharmacy because it gave me the ability to help people and make a difference. I am going to punch in everyday with a goal to make an exceptional difference in at least one persons life for the better. Every day. One person at a time. And maybe together we can kill the cancer and may the kindness ripple into the lives of many.

I will never stop trying to be the very best version of myself. Life is a journey of living and learning. What kind of life is it to do the same things over and over and expect it to deliver you different results? It isn't a life it all; it is the definition of insanity.

So what, my job changed me. Many things in my life have altered my path and made me the person I am today. I am happy to have this obstacle to overcome and grow from. Whatever it is that has changed YOU, you have the power to grow upward from too.

Temporary Emotions

Emotions- they are all temporary. Pain is temporary. As much as we hate it, we cannot experience true joy without the existence of pain. There is no black without white, just as there is no light without darkness, or more importantly life without death. 7 billion people on the planet and it would seem we are all chasing the very same fleeting and skittish sensation: happiness. We chase happiness and run as fast and as far away from even the most minuscule doses of pain.

It would appear that misery overstays its welcome, taking advantage of your hospitality, while contentment's nomadic appearances come and go so fast you didn't even get a chance to grow used to it's presence. That's just how our brains work however. Negativity seems to cloak positivity. We are wired to miss the good when something bad is in even in our peripheral. It's in our nature. If only more people realized how temporary it all really was though. In hindsight, they'd see how important it is to be grateful and aware of the goodness when it presents itself. Then they'd also see how utterly silly it was to hold on to a past unchangeable and things or people that do more harm than good, for they'd now understand that their hopeful patience only prolonged the healing process.

When things get bad, when you've hit rock bottom (we all have at some point), you want to give up. All you can see is the ruins left of yourself. You let the darkness consume you and you no longer see a point in trying because that's just how bad things have gotten. Yet, there is a certain beauty in this very moment of darkenss and that's simple because things cannot get any worse; they can only get better. You can only go up from the lowest crevice in which you've fallen. There is hope, there is light, and there is a point. Sometimes it takes falling apart to reform yourself and in return, truly and finally find yourself.

May I again reiterate, so you understand the magnitude of the phrase: pain is temporary. It demands to be felt (as says author John Greene, The Fault In Our Stars). In the name of a great Rascal Flatts song, "Let it Hurt". Let all the hurt hit you from every direction. Cry it all out, sweat it all out, wash it all out- just let it out. Holding it in and resisting it's existence only intensifies the effects later down the line. You cannot change or move on without acknowledging and accepting the very emotion that will eat you alive until you let it reap it's wrath; so bite the bullet and get back on the horse.

Crappy things happen- that's life. It is imperative that you be grateful for the ups and be even more so grateful for the downs; the downs are what make us stronger, and without them, we would not truly know greatness. We wouldn't be appreciative of happiness without knowing it's absence. So if you are hurting today, just know that it will pass. Know that things will get better and when they do, they will also get worse again because crisis is inevitable.

What you do with it is your decision.

Perfection Doesn't Exist- Any Belief Otherwise Destroys

I realized today, that it is wrong to hold someone in such high regard. Not in a respectful sense, but when you put them on a pedestal. On this pedestal, you have an untainted image and with that comes the highest of expectations. It is an injustice, and I'm afraid I have done someone just that.

You see, there is this young man who I hold very close to my heart. I love him tremendously. I don't think I could find enough words to explain how strongly I feel for him. To be simply put, he is the most beautiful person I have ever encountered. He is moral, intelligent, deeply caring, and everything I strive to be. He's hard on himself for his mistakes and humble in his helping ways. He's not perfect but in my eyes, I always held him to be. That right there is a problem.

I've done him a great disservice when I found myself disappointed last night. Over the years I've known him, there's been a slight change in his ways and having learned this recent change, I was let down; shocked. I thought to myself, "no, this isn't the man I know. The man I know wouldn't, and couldn't, do these things he once claimed he'd never be able to". Here I was, unworthy of his very love and judging his decisions when I had no place to. All because I was in disbelief, but I was only in disbelief because I unknowingly created unreasonable expectations for him. For this person, just like any other, bound imperfect in this life. I let my fear overcome my logic, and began to push away all progress that was starting to bud.

I've always had this stigma in my head that he was too good for me; better than me; I'd never deserve him. Bang! Another big mistake I made! What a sad thing, to compare oneself to another. We are all tainted beings- sinners. Our mistakes are inevitable and a necessary component to our learning experiences. We all have decisions to be ashamed- it is what makes us human.

Who was I to put these wrongdoings on a scale to determine which is greater than those of thee? The simple matter of fact is that he is still the same man I have always known, even more so beautiful having risen upon great struggle! I love him and every damn flaw that comes with him. I love him so much it scares me and if I'm not willing to take a leap of faith, I'm never going to see what could be and I will forever wonder what could have been.

Pushing him away and finding reasons not to open up to the possibilities is not only so very unfair to him, but also to myself. It's time I outgrow these childish ways and learn that people will let you down. They will hurt you. I can't just shut out whoever causes me pain, for I am guilty of the act myself. If I close myself off to these chances in fear of getting hurt, I am not alive. I will live a dull and lonely life, void of the wonders in love and happiness. I will in turn, live a life absent of risk and in turn, absent of any meaning at all.

I'm Done with Regret

Today I really felt in my element. I went kayaking and I know the picture is crappy- my terrible phone doesn't do the moment justice. It was in this moment, out in the sun and on the beautiful water away from everyone else that I finally felt like I could breathe again. I could think. I could relax and just let go.

I left it all on that river today. All the past, the hurt-everything. Of course I know I'll still feel the pain of heartache and the stress of not knowing where I'm going, but I have faith that I'll find my way and that's more than enough for me.

The only thing you can change about your past is how you feel about it. All my life I've looked back with regret, no matter how much I told myself otherwise. Whether a past action becomes a regret or a lesson is totally up to you. I'm done with regret. I'm finally setting myself free.

Keep Your Head Up

I often find myself wondering why our minds are wired to feed into negativity as oppose to positivity. Why create such a beautiful thing as the human brain, only to waste it on negative thoughts and happenings that we can’t help but fixate on? What about trying to redirect our attention to the good, not necessarily ignoring the bad, but to dealing with it in a way that’s productive and that hopefully solves the problem all together? Well, much easier said than done (speaking from personal experience of course).

But what if it really isn't so hard after all? What if our fixated and stubborn selves don't realize how easy it really is to find silver linings?

It’s hard to accept a mindset of optimism when we are raised in world full of pessimism. So how do we stop the cycle?

We break it.

Surely it takes more than just one person in a world of six billion to do so. I am quite obviously not the only person to share this mindset and to have pondered these thoughts, so if you're someone who has yet to, I think you consider trying it out. Despite the hardships, the past, other people, and no matter how ugly of a day, even the most simple positive can be found.

For example:
You opened your eyes to a new day today didn't you?

No one said life would be easy, and if they did, then you were told a ginormous lie. Our lives, no matter who you are, are all one in the same. It's our trials and tribulations that separate us and make us who we are. It gets hard sometimes- real hard, but it's important to count your blessings and never forget them.

Moral to the story: Keep your head up, no matter how heavy it may get sometimes.

Beautiful

Life is full of its highs and its lows, but it’s important to remember that there is always a needle in the haystack. “Sunshine follows every storm and breaks the dark of every night”-nothing stops the sun from coming up every morning. Shitty dark grey clouds may hide it sometimes, but behind it, the sun is always there.

It’s a shame how quick the moments go when we don’t want them too, and how the clock slows when the days are excruciating. Things will be so good you can’t believe they’re real, and so bad you beg that they aren’t. We think too much and live too little, and by the time we realize we had something great right in front of us, that something’s a fleeting memory. We forget to cherish the moment we’re in, ignorantly thinking the moment will never end, but when it does, it’s gone, and when it’s gone, we feel lost. Lost without that taste of joy- that sweetness that’s nearly perfection.

Unfortunately, I’m in one of those lulls in my life. Fresh out of a time where everything was so good, felt so right, and made me so happy. And I suppose that’s when things hit you the hardest. I lost someone I love deeply, and every ounce of me feels lost. Excuse me, *felt lost until yesterday that is.

I decided it was time to pick myself up, figure out who I am, who I wanna be, and where I wanna go. Otherwise I’ll remain stagnant and go nowhere, and I sure as hell didn’t work so hard to get to where I am and then self destruct. Oh no, not after everything I’ve risen from.

I was told I was beautiful yesterday and I was honored. Words cannot possibly justify how good it felt to hear that one three syllable word. In all honesty, that one word really kicked me in the ass. It picked me up from where I was and I decided I was finally ready to move on from what has been keeping me so low.

If you let it, one word has the power to change everything.