My Job Changed Me

I think my job changed me as a person.

Or maybe it's just the passing time that's molded me into the person I have become.

I can't help but wonder if certain things in my life didn't happen the way they did, if I would be different and better than I am today. I feel that I am often finding I don't like the person I see and when I come to these realizations I try to change that. I've grown another year older and I have come to the conclusion that I'll probably never be satisfied with the person I am simply because that is the type of person I am. Does that even make sense? I don't know but I'm going with it.

Back to my job- I work in a pharmacy and I've done quite well for myself financially speaking (from where I have started to where I am now that it is). I have worked there for three years and have noticed qualities about myself that are no longer alive in me. I used to be extremely outgoing and social. Now I am more of an anti-social hermit. If I met me three years ago in the grocery store, younger me would've struck up a conversation with just about anyone. Fast forward to today and I avoid any interactions with other people at all costs as if they were the plague.

I've seen the worst in people. The negativity is daunting and heavy in my work place. It is a daily norm to get yelled at and it just about expected that more than half of exchanges with customers are going to be sour ones. I know to an extent that my own attitude is half the battle, but I've worked in an environment that has bred me to be this way, bracing for the impact everyday. I consistently try to alter the negativity with positivity, but so often it is unsuccessful. It feels the more I am defeated, the less I want to stand up and fight and as a result, I fall to the level of the rotten public.

My job has changed me as a person.

I am more than understanding that in a pharmacy I am working with medicine and therefore sick people, but you would have to work a day in my shoes to truly understand the abuse that we put up with working in the retail setting of medicine. People have learned to complain about everything and be nasty to get what they want. The world has become so bitter and misery truly does love company. I often encounter people who I truly believe have nothing better to do but go places and cause scenes. Sometimes it seems there are people who receive true enjoyment in putting other people down. A bad mood is like a disease and it spreads like cancer from one person to the next. A dangerous ripple effect. It is so much easier to allow yourself to be in a poor mood than it is to lift yourself out of that abyss. I know this because it is a daily struggle of mine.

It makes me extremely sad to think about the hopeful person I once was, and the bitter person I now am when I look at the world and the people that inhabit it. However, it is so important to remember that everyone isn't like this. It may seem like there is no good left but sometimes that because your too focused on the bad to even notice it. I don't want to be this person in the darkness, unhappy to go to my job everyday. It's no way to go through life.

I won't give up. I will continue to try and be the change I wish to see in the world. It may feel like you can't make a difference, but even the smallest of actions can make the biggest impacts in someone else's day. It is not hard to be kind. It is actually relatively easy and mutually beneficial at that. It's too bad that there are so many people out there just like me, who don't have the desire to be better and change themselves. They have let themselves rot to the core and they are truly missing out on the beauty that life has to offer.

My job has changed me as a person, but I am no longer going to let it have that control over me. The truth of the matter is that it never really had control over me in the first place. I just allowed myself to believe that to justify the shell of a person I have become. I chose the pharmacy because it gave me the ability to help people and make a difference. I am going to punch in everyday with a goal to make an exceptional difference in at least one persons life for the better. Every day. One person at a time. And maybe together we can kill the cancer and may the kindness ripple into the lives of many.

I will never stop trying to be the very best version of myself. Life is a journey of living and learning. What kind of life is it to do the same things over and over and expect it to deliver you different results? It isn't a life it all; it is the definition of insanity.

So what, my job changed me. Many things in my life have altered my path and made me the person I am today. I am happy to have this obstacle to overcome and grow from. Whatever it is that has changed YOU, you have the power to grow upward from too.

Vulnerability and Deciet

It makes me feel trapped in my own skin; vulnerability- it's suffocating.

There is one person in this world, who I've allowed myself to continually open up to and continually I regret it. The control he has over people is disturbing. The control he has over ME, well, it is my greatest fear.

How can I be so strong and yet made so weak? How could I have survived all that I have, only to crumble at the feet of someone so poisonous? Chance after chance, he builds me up jsut to break me down, yet still I remain on this roller coaster unable to get off. Unable to walk away for good. Unable to accept that maybe this person is never going to change and maybe the good I've held on to all this time, is simply a false means of justification.

It's as if he has this void he is constantly trying to fill and replace with different girls. Girls that fall to his charm, unaware they are to become collateral damage. Like a puppeteer, I watch him articulate and juggle the different characters. Each are fighting for his affection, even the ones who don't know it. He is powerful in his deceit. Dangerous in his allure and I wonder, why does he string me along to watch so many others fall? I wonder why I have to watch him play his games and fiddle with my heart, only to come crawling back to me when he is finished having his fun. Only to plead his case to me when I've decided he his presence has become too toxic. You'd think I'd know these answers by now, having seen the motions play like a broken record. I don't. I only uncover more questions the more time goes by.

I know him better than anyone, yet still he is my greatest enigma. Constantly weeding through his garden of lies makes it quite difficult to figure out such complexities.

I suppose my selflessness is my greatest weakness. I've always believed that there is hope for everyone, but maybe, there isn't. Maybe I will never know the answers to my questions and he will forever lead a life of emptiness. A life that emulates the definition of insanity. A void so large that no person or thing could possibly fulfill but that he'll kill himself trying to.

Maybe there are some things we are just incapable of understanding.

Temporary Emotions

Emotions- they are all temporary. Pain is temporary. As much as we hate it, we cannot experience true joy without the existence of pain. There is no black without white, just as there is no light without darkness, or more importantly life without death. 7 billion people on the planet and it would seem we are all chasing the very same fleeting and skittish sensation: happiness. We chase happiness and run as fast and as far away from even the most minuscule doses of pain.

It would appear that misery overstays its welcome, taking advantage of your hospitality, while contentment's nomadic appearances come and go so fast you didn't even get a chance to grow used to it's presence. That's just how our brains work however. Negativity seems to cloak positivity. We are wired to miss the good when something bad is in even in our peripheral. It's in our nature. If only more people realized how temporary it all really was though. In hindsight, they'd see how important it is to be grateful and aware of the goodness when it presents itself. Then they'd also see how utterly silly it was to hold on to a past unchangeable and things or people that do more harm than good, for they'd now understand that their hopeful patience only prolonged the healing process.

When things get bad, when you've hit rock bottom (we all have at some point), you want to give up. All you can see is the ruins left of yourself. You let the darkness consume you and you no longer see a point in trying because that's just how bad things have gotten. Yet, there is a certain beauty in this very moment of darkenss and that's simple because things cannot get any worse; they can only get better. You can only go up from the lowest crevice in which you've fallen. There is hope, there is light, and there is a point. Sometimes it takes falling apart to reform yourself and in return, truly and finally find yourself.

May I again reiterate, so you understand the magnitude of the phrase: pain is temporary. It demands to be felt (as says author John Greene, The Fault In Our Stars). In the name of a great Rascal Flatts song, "Let it Hurt". Let all the hurt hit you from every direction. Cry it all out, sweat it all out, wash it all out- just let it out. Holding it in and resisting it's existence only intensifies the effects later down the line. You cannot change or move on without acknowledging and accepting the very emotion that will eat you alive until you let it reap it's wrath; so bite the bullet and get back on the horse.

Crappy things happen- that's life. It is imperative that you be grateful for the ups and be even more so grateful for the downs; the downs are what make us stronger, and without them, we would not truly know greatness. We wouldn't be appreciative of happiness without knowing it's absence. So if you are hurting today, just know that it will pass. Know that things will get better and when they do, they will also get worse again because crisis is inevitable.

What you do with it is your decision.

Perfection Doesn't Exist- Any Belief Otherwise Destroys

I realized today, that it is wrong to hold someone in such high regard. Not in a respectful sense, but when you put them on a pedestal. On this pedestal, you have an untainted image and with that comes the highest of expectations. It is an injustice, and I'm afraid I have done someone just that.

You see, there is this young man who I hold very close to my heart. I love him tremendously. I don't think I could find enough words to explain how strongly I feel for him. To be simply put, he is the most beautiful person I have ever encountered. He is moral, intelligent, deeply caring, and everything I strive to be. He's hard on himself for his mistakes and humble in his helping ways. He's not perfect but in my eyes, I always held him to be. That right there is a problem.

I've done him a great disservice when I found myself disappointed last night. Over the years I've known him, there's been a slight change in his ways and having learned this recent change, I was let down; shocked. I thought to myself, "no, this isn't the man I know. The man I know wouldn't, and couldn't, do these things he once claimed he'd never be able to". Here I was, unworthy of his very love and judging his decisions when I had no place to. All because I was in disbelief, but I was only in disbelief because I unknowingly created unreasonable expectations for him. For this person, just like any other, bound imperfect in this life. I let my fear overcome my logic, and began to push away all progress that was starting to bud.

I've always had this stigma in my head that he was too good for me; better than me; I'd never deserve him. Bang! Another big mistake I made! What a sad thing, to compare oneself to another. We are all tainted beings- sinners. Our mistakes are inevitable and a necessary component to our learning experiences. We all have decisions to be ashamed- it is what makes us human.

Who was I to put these wrongdoings on a scale to determine which is greater than those of thee? The simple matter of fact is that he is still the same man I have always known, even more so beautiful having risen upon great struggle! I love him and every damn flaw that comes with him. I love him so much it scares me and if I'm not willing to take a leap of faith, I'm never going to see what could be and I will forever wonder what could have been.

Pushing him away and finding reasons not to open up to the possibilities is not only so very unfair to him, but also to myself. It's time I outgrow these childish ways and learn that people will let you down. They will hurt you. I can't just shut out whoever causes me pain, for I am guilty of the act myself. If I close myself off to these chances in fear of getting hurt, I am not alive. I will live a dull and lonely life, void of the wonders in love and happiness. I will in turn, live a life absent of risk and in turn, absent of any meaning at all.

Things You Must Know About Girls Who Build Walls

She looks well put together, happy, and seems to always be having a good time. You get to talking to her and you think to yourself, "wow, this girl is pretty darn cool". She's funny, cheerful, and laid back. But the more you talk to her and try to get to know her, you start to notice that she's holding back. She hasn't shared anything personal and when you try to ask any questions about her past or anything dear to her heart, she awkwardly averts the question all together. 

Bingo.

Not only did I just describe myself, but I also described many other girls who present themselves the same. Of course, this isn't only a problem for women (as there are many men who share the same qualities), but today I'm focusing on us girls. We who build walls and fortunately for you, I just happen to be an expert.

Girls Who Build Walls 101

Behind this girl, are ugly stories and past times that haunt her. Upon her face, she wears a frequent smile to hide her pitiful brokenness and it is behind great walls, this brokenness lies. 

1. Alas! You can't fix her. 

For some reason guys seem to be attracted to a damsel in distress. I think something about being a knight in shining armor grants them a sense of masculinity. Anyway, she is not your responsibility, or anyone else's for that matter. So don't bother trying to sweep her off her feet. Not only would it be a waste of your time, but it would also be a tad insulting. That may strike as odd, but in her mind, she is taking care of herself. She's always had to be self sufficient and she's gotten so use to coping in solitude, that it will take more than a boy trying to play hero to change that.

2. Don't try to break down her walls.

I repeat, do not try to break down her walls. She will immediately recognize you as a threat and even if you were so lucky as to remove a brick, she'd insert another (and probably one more after that for good measure). Give her some credit for crying out loud; she put a lot of time in effort into constructing these defenses. How dare you try and destroy them!

3. She isn't ready to let anyone in yet.

She has skeletons in her closet, and she doesn't plan on showing you them anytime soon. Whether it's because she's ashamed of an ugly past or so scarred by it that she refuses to revisit, it is imperative that you accept that she simply isn't ready.

4. If you're trying to earn her love: Good Luck (insert an encouraging pat on the back here)

It's a long journey, and a hidden path in which few have ventured. Unfortunately for you, she's covered it's tracks upon heartbreak. She can't give you her heart, for not only has it not been returned, but when she does get it back, she'll understandably guard it vivaciously. She'll tend to it's wounds and keep it dear to her, for she's realized how painstaking it's absence is.

5. If your still determined to win her over despite these down falls: give her space. 

Tell her how you feel and don't be offended when she needs time to digest it. Be understanding that it's hard for her to trust and even harder for her to open up and let anyone see even the most minuscule hardship she's facing. 

6. Be patient.

Let her try to push through her struggles alone. This doesn't mean you should ignore her, in fact, it's necessary you reassure her that you are there for her. That way she knows if she needs a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on, that she can count on you. She's stubbornly set on helping herself as her resilience has fooled her into thinking she can handle far more than she can carry. It is not until her legs give out beneath heavy shoulders that she is humbled. Humbled from keeping her head high, proud of how strong she is and proud of her tolerance for pain. 

It is in this moment that she is most vulnerable. She will either go to you in desperation, or will instead (and most likely) go through the cycle a few more times, before realizing she really can't do it on her own.

She'll find herself saying "next time I'll be stronger" and "next time I won't break". She'll wonder how many more times she'll have to fix herself before she becomes invincible, or if she's ever even fixed herself in the first place. She'll contemplate if she's been broken all along and only fooled periodically into thinking she had put the pieces back together. 

That is however, for her to figure out. 

7. She will need to fail, most likely several times, before she will come to you.

It is imperative however, that you let her make the first step when she is ready. It will not be until she fails that she recognizes she needs help. Equivocate the process to someone who smokes cigarettes. You can't tell them they to quit; they need to realize it and do it on their own. 

8. Don't have expectations...

Unless you wish to be let down that is, for she is unpredictable and unintentionally destructive. She'll tell you to stay away, and push you away with the mindset that you'd be better off with out her. Of course it's reasonable to expect the norm, like respect and kindness. If she's mean to you/rude to you, I am no way saying it is justifiable because she has problems to work through. That's no excuse and for lack of better words, chances are she's just a bitch (and I suggest you run). Us girls who build walls understand what it is to struggle and so we are cautious in how we treat others. We also wouldn't want to drive everyone completely away because we fear actual solitude (not mental since we self bestow that, but literal, in the realistic sense). We just don't want to tell you our life story and greatest fears is all, hence the guarded persona. Anyway, I digress.

9. Lastly and most importantly: Don't give up on her.

No one said that this would be easy. In fact, she tried everything she could to warn you and send you the opposite direction. She knows that she has a lot of work to do and she knows that it would be far too much to ask you to try and keep up with it. So in a sense of idiotic martyrdom, she gives you a way out because she'd feel guilty asking you to stay. Don't give up though, you've made it this far! 

If you can trudge through her trenches and get through to her, I promise that you will uncover the rawest and truest beauty. Beauty that she herself will never see until someone shows it to her. After all, it is the through great pain and hardship that the most beautiful people are born.

Now you just have to ask yourself: are you willing to dig up this deeply buried treasure?

Two Types Of People

I believe that there are two types of people in this world.

Person #1	Person #2
Career focused Foresees wealth, big houses, and expensive cars in their future Family is a possibility for them later down the line, if at all.	Family focused Foresees a spouse and children of their own Knows they need enough finances to do so, but doesn't value all the riches in the world over building their own family

Real quick, here's a very vague scenario to get my point across. There are two men named Brad and John, both twenty-one, both just recently starting new relationships, and both working at the same job in New York (let's call it a successful company with equal opportunity for growth). Brad gets a phone call at work- there is a job opening in LA with a higher paying salary and they are interested in meeting with him. Without a thought, Brad accepts the offer and will be on a plane to catch an interview that weekend. As John is getting ready to leave the office, he too gets a similar phone call but asks if he can get back to them. He's hesitant because he just started seeing someone and feels it has potential to go somewhere. He's content with the amount of money he earns and he could support a family of his own if needed. He talks to his girlfriend, calls back the company, and declines the offer. In case you hadn't come to the conclusion yourself, Brad falls under the explanation of Person # 1 and John under the explanation of Person #2.

The scenario may be very black and white, but the bluntness completely supports the concept. You are either a person who looks at your future and first sees a career, or first sees a family. Not saying you can't want both a family and success, because you can (I do), but it is simply not attainable simultaneously. Brad will move to LA if he gets the job and that will be the end of his relationship with his girlfriend. Meanwhile John, decides to stay with his girlfriend and thus further opens the possibility of building a life with her. He values the potential of his relationship over the higher paying job. Brad does not see it this way.

With all that, this jibber jabber leads me to a more pressing and personalized subject. In an attempt to decipher why I can more easily envision myself bearing children as opposed to being the CEO of a large company, I came up with this two types of people theory (although I'm sure I'm not the first to think, write, or share the idea). I am well aware of the complexity and individuality of every person, but I don't think it's unrealistic to say that we can all place ourselves under one of these two simple categories.

I'm a 19 year old young woman, understandably still searching for a profession, still trying to earn self sufficiency, and still unsure of what my future holds for me. When I try to envision my life five years from now, it opens the floodgates to so many fears and unknowns. Yet in the midst of all the chaos there is a resolute vision of all the things I am certain I do want. All in relation to a spouse and children; a family.

I want to stumble into someone absolutely unexpectedly and I want to fall madly in love with them in a way I am most pleasantly surprised. I want a feeling so strong that every heartache, tear shed, and moment of loneliness was all worth the journey that brought me to the man by my side. I want to finally understand, as opposed to anticipate, why it never worked out with anyone else. I want to find someone that exceeds every expectation and makes me laugh in disbelief that I had ever been with anyone else. I want to be so in love that I wake up every morning unable to fathom how I got so lucky as to call this man, "mine". I want to exchange vows and boldly dare the universe to try to separating us, with not a single fear that it actually could because we were invincible together. I want us to single handedly be responsible for the creation of new life and I will be so honored to protect and carry that life until our baby is ready to meet the world. I want to do this not just once, but multiple times. I want to build a sturdy empire. I want to raise our children in a manner that I can present them to the world in confidence that their presence will make it a better place. I do not want them unfamiliar of unconditional love, for I want them to be born into arms that will never make them question their belonging. When I'm a mother, I will be a great one. I say that with unwavering faith because I know every hardship I have ever overcome holds more purpose than for my own self-growth. I will carry these experiences with grace, to and past the day that motherhood is blessed upon me. I will turn to my past times for strength and knowledge, an advantageously use them to be the best mother I can possibly be. Excitement washes over me just thinking about it all. I know it's a lot to want but I also know that no matter what happens, I will make always make due and that the best is yet to come.

How is it however, that at such a young age, I feel that I have the right to even ponder these things, let alone be so eager for this undetermined future? I've been finding myself drooling over babies and daydreaming about a man that says, "Honey I'm home", when he walks in the door. I snap out of these thoughts concerned because I have hardly even started my life yet. Just like when I was a little girl and people used to ask me what I want to be when I grew up- the answer always changes because I'm so interested in so many things! I don't want to work in retail my whole life and I certainly don't plan on finding a man to rely on because I most definitely don't want to be dependent.. So knowing all this, why am I even wasting time thinking about a husband and kids when they are light years away?

Why am I watering these thoughts when there is currently no room for the roots to grow?

The answer is simple. It's because I fall under the category of Person #2. It took me all this rambling to realize that it's simply in my nature and that these thoughts are inevitable. As long as I'm not running around trying to get knocked up, these thoughts are exactly just that- thoughts. No need to worry and no need to go off on a tangent that I'm abnormal for having them. I may not know what career to chose or where I will be five years from now, but there is nothing wrong in knowing where I want to be.

I'm not saying that my only goal in life is to be a wife and a mother, but if I find myself with a baby in my arms and a ring on my finger five years from now, I can't see a single reason why I wouldn't be a happy woman.

An Evergrowing Abyss of Unanswered Questions

It's 3:07 A.M. Here I sit in a dark room with a glowing laptop upon my thighs; typing my thoughts in an attempt to organize them.

After all these years and all the long hours of pondering, self reflection, self contradiction, and an ever growing list of questions with no answers, I wonder if I will ever find what I'm looking for. Maybe I never will and all I'll have left are a bunch of useless questions, burnt bridges, and untied loose ends. I actually think I'm going to drive myself mad on this monotonous journey to find a self that I've never even known.

I ask myself the same questions over and over again. I stay up all damn night till the wee hours of the morning, interrogating and grinding my brain for answers, so much so, that I think it's become mush. Every minute I'm alone I'm left to face my vault of a mind; a vault in which I'm embarrassed to say I've yet to crack. Whether it's a two minute bathroom break or hours of solitude behind closed doors, I find myself frantically searching for reasons why I am the way I am. Reasons why I am so welcoming to people who don't care but so determined to push away the people that do. Reasons as to why I'm so comfortable with confining all my problems into a compact metaphorical box to be tucked away there's no room for it. I suppose it's not so much reason but rather explanation I seek.

Most importantly an explanation as to why I am so distant from my family. I suppose I found myself seeing it as it was their obligation to love me. An obligation out of blood that I inherited and blood that we shared. Without it, there was no tie and there was no love. But seeing as there is no way of severing such bond, they are my family and no distance will change that. A family that I know loves me and a family that I once had a place in- a place I pretended to belong in hopes of truly feeling I did, but I never quite ended up believing it. I ask myself all the time why that is; why that was. Why I've never felt like I've had a home and why I feel like I'm still searching for my place in the world. I don't, nor will I accept my mother to be an excuse I can fall back on, for it cannot be as simple as that. I know my father would disagree; I know he'd say that using my mother as excuse for my mistakes is the bane of my existence; he'd also include some jargon about how I still use the tools from the tool box she once gave me. I know he thinks very little of me, and I don't blame him, because he doesn't know me. He doesn't know the truth of everything I've gone through and everything I fought tooth and nail to keep away from him and anyone who rifled questions my way.

He only knows a frustratingly stubborn little girl; the epitome of a nightmare; the true reason for hair turning grey. The little girl who couldn't see two feet in front of her and open her arms to his unconditional love. He wouldn't know how she tears up thinking about him or how badly she wishes she could find the answers within herself to give him the peace of knowing that he didn't fail her. He wouldn't know that she included him in her prayers every night and thanked the Lord every morning for his saving grace. He wouldn't know any of these things and so much more, and if he were reading this right now, he probably wouldn't believe a word of it because he only knows the girl who was a liar, a con artist, and a chameleon to her surroundings.

An old psychologist/ therapist/ whichever the title, once told me the reason I feel so distant from my family is because the establishment and the structure was all new to me. He told me that because I spent a childhood being shunned, moved around constantly, and without any structure, that it was normal for me to feel the way I was feeling. Normal. 

It still makes me chuckle. Before you think I'm a sick bastard, laughing at the fact that I've got no relationship with a family that has done me no wrongs, bear with me. Normal isn't exactly my forte. Not only do I not believe in the term anyway (who is to say what is normal and what isn't), but in reference to normal in the eyes of society and the way things are supposed to be per-say, I'm far from it. So I chuckle at the words of someone who spent at least eight years of his life getting a degree to listen to my problems then tell me what's normal, what's not, and to finally trick me into thinking he helped me solve my issues. That's what psychologists do. They trick you into thinking that you need their help, they get your money, and all they really do is give you tissues for the tears and guide you to finding the answers within yourself by yourself, essentially making them a useless third party in the whole process if you ask me. 

Of course I found no answers then because I wasn't open to looking for them, but now that I am, it burdens me a great deal that I still can't find them. I've had to have spent hundreds of hours searching every fold of my brain to decipher my shameful actions and emotions, yet despite how many times I look, I continually come up empty handed. Not literally empty handed, as I've come up with a handful of hypothesis' and theories, but I don't accept them. They aren't right to me. Here are a few examples and my thought processes behind them:

1. The reason I am the way I am is because of my mother. Aside from the physical and verbal abuse, the constant yearn for her to love me, and the nomadic ways of life with no structure or settlement, this must surely be why I am *ahem* fucked up.

This seems to be the most sensible answer but I hate the very idea of giving my mother even the credit of this responsibility. Not only do my cheeks tingle with disdain at the thought of her, but the thought of her destruction having a big enough fallout to still have a say in my life makes me shake my head no. I cannot fall back on this excuse anymore. I refuse to. I owe it to my father and myself, to discover what's misfiring in my brain that makes the contradictions in myself and my feelings viable. At this rate and speed, I ought to just admit myself to an anomalisitc psychology research unit to let the experts figure it out themselves.

2. Maybe I am just a shitty person with no morals, no heart, and no sympathy for my actions and how they affect others.

Debunked: This cannot be because I have a very big heart and abundance of sympathy. I feel terrible for removing myself from a body of people who care about me, want the best for me, and loved me without fail. I search for answers more so for them than I even do for myself anymore.

3. Maybe I'm depressed.

Maybe. Not sure if I believe in that to be a valid diagnosis though. Kinda stuck between believing it's an actual medical condition and that everyone experiences the symptoms and feelings that would describe the sickness at some point in their lives (losing interest in things, sleeping too much, not sleeping enough, losing one's appetite, etc), but others cope differently (obviously, that's what makes us individuals).

4. I spend too much time thinking and not enough time doing

Although this is very true, it doesn't change the fact that any actions I could force myself to perform would not be authentic, but would rather be exactly that- forced. So this theory as to why I am the way I am, just arises another question in itself and that is: Why would I need to force myself to make an effort to patch relations with my own family members? My own father? Shouldn't that just be a given? If I'm so afraid of being alone, why am I so content with separating myself from those who care about me? You see that? Questions upon questions. I could keep going, but you get the point.

Within every theory, every thought, every question, arises new questions. More questions and contradicting emotions that leave me still with no answers and a continually expanding abyss of no answers.

So at the now 4:06 A.M, I confirm that the only progress I've made in this per usual quest for answers, is that I've finally accepted I'm simply just f**ked up. 

Ok. That's a lie. I've known this for a long time. I've accepted the fact of the matter, and denied it, then accepted it again, only to then later again deny it. The process is redundant and the literal definition of insanity. 

On the plus side I did just think of a new theory to add to my list: Maybe I am actually the product of a multiverse, created when a different version of myself made the decision to be a complete and utter dumb ass who stomps through life causing destruction on my selfish journey to make sense of things, and if that's the case, then that would mean there is another me in another multiverse who is the antithesis of that. Which in that case would mean she is not destroying things, but doing good things, making good decisions, and has a strong unshaken relationship with all of her family. Without carrying on this pity party any further, one can admit how pathetically unrealistic and a gigantic waste of a time that series of thoughts just was. But hey, that's why they're just thoughts right.

On a real legitimate positive note, I am thankful for my health and a functioning brain that allows me to pick it for that in which I seek everyday. May today be the day I find what I'm looking for. If not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then may the next day lead me to the promised land. 

Full Circle

Everyone has experienced what it feels like to miss someone, to miss their presence and their character, but have you ever experienced missing someone so much that it hurts? I never knew it was possible. I had grown to keep everyone just out of arms reach of me, because I was so used to people leaving and so used to the pain of being alone. But then I met a person who changed everything. The way I looked at things, the way I looked at myself, and most importantly the way I looked at my relationships with other people.

He sure was something special let me tell you and it aches to have to write that in past tense, but that's exactly where he lies and where our memories sit. I drown out the days and I move forward in time, hoping the clock will heal the wound his absence has left, but time hasn't done much other than dry my eyes.

I miss him. Not us, not our relationship, but our friendship. Our companionship. Every stupid little joke, every phone call, end every confusing part of my life I needed a different perspective and advice on. Now knowing that we will never have that again, just makes the reality of things all the more blurry. I've over scheduled myself with work in hopes to fill the lonely void, but instead I'm only encountered by hundreds of strangers a day, and I can't decide what's lonelier. To be surrounded by strangers in hopes of erasing something that hurts, or to isolate yourself from others to face the pain in solitude. Yet here I am doing both, so I suppose that makes me extra lonely.

I go to work and surround myself by people I don't know, with stories I don't know, and we share light conversations full of nothing significant. When I ask them how they're doing, they all say great, or good, or fine. And when they ask in return how I'm doing, I say "I'm great thanks", meanwhile I am fully aware that isn't always true. Yet we give the same answers and get the same ones in return, not concerned what the real answer is, because no one really cares if you aren't doing well. If you are just trying to get through the day and you haven't been yourself for a while.

So as far as anyone is concerned, I'm doing great.

My smile says I'm happy, my friends think I'm funny, and I gloat about how well I'm doing for myself, but how am I really?

I am doing well for myself, so that's not a lie. But in the end, what's so grand about working back to back, day by day, just to come home and hide from the world and all the beautiful people out there that I'm too afraid to get close to? I'm not doing great, but I'm not doing bad either. I'm just existing, and I suppose that's even worse than the ladder now isn't it?

Anyway, I don't know who's reading this, I don't care if anyone is quite frankly. I just write these things down in hopes of organizing my thoughts and getting some sleep, because lying in bed at night with a racing mind doesn't help me accomplish either.

I miss him.

So much that it hurts. No matter where my mind travels, where it wanders, how many hours of overtime I work, how much I work out, sweat, and run from it, it all goes back to him. Everything comes full circle and I'm back to right where I started.

Time

Time. What even is time anyway? Ticks on a clock. The amount of sunlight in the day. The amount of darkness in the night.

Day. Night. Why can't it be night time when the sun shines and day time when the moon shines?

Because someone told us so. Time is man made. Non-existent. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, years. When we break it down, it's all the same and time, really means nothing at all. The sun sets and comes up again, over and over and over as the earth spins on it's axis and revolves around the sun. Every year the earth makes a lap around the sun and we end up in the same exact place once again.

The same place.

A Monday is no different than a Thursday, nor is last week any different from next week. Aside from the weather and temperature, and duration of the sun that shines, every day is literally the same as the last. Different events take place. Different words are spoken. Different meals consumed. But in the end, what's really the difference?

Every day we wake up, eat, go to work, sleep, and do it all over again. I'm stuck in this dull cycle and I don't want to be. I'm at a road block here, not knowing which move to make next to change what it is that I'm not satisfied with. Yet I don't really have much of a choice. I need the finances and despite how little time I have left in the day for just me anymore, it appears this is the only way. If my displeasure now, leads to my success in the future, then I suppose it's worth it.

I just don't know how to feel about where I'm at in my life and I suppose the cyclical  motions drowning out my days doesn't exactly help. The numbness of time and the repetitive ticks on the clock make it hard for me to see past just tomorrow. I'm doing what I'm doing for a better future but that's ironic when it's a future so undetermined with my vision so clouded. 

I wake up. I go to work. Collect my paycheck and go to sleep just to do it all over again. I suppose I just want to know when this broken record will be fixed and when the day will come that I'll wake up and no longer be just going with the motions to get by. I guess I'm just looking forward to the days I don't want to end again because this can't be what growing up is all about. 

I mean. At least I hope it isn't. 

Pain, Love, and Lessons

Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you always expect it be there, because you can't remember a time it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else, something that feels wrong. Wrong because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment, you realize your happy.

Love gave me this feeling. One single, beautiful, and gracious person. I had gotten so used to living a life full of pain that I didn't realize I was resisting something so much larger than myself. It took me two years to give it a shot and only three or four months for the flame to die out.We burned so brightly together and I've realized I was wrong to regret that for the past couple months.

Looking back on it now, I am ever so grateful for the time I spent carelessly happy and blissfully free, no matter how short it lasted. Because to me, every moment of pain I had risen from, was worth every second of love and letting someone in all the way. It was so hard to let go of, because it was such a long journey to get to where we had gotten. Letting him in was the hardest thing I had ever done and in the end it taught me that I can't get through life shutting people out. If I want to live happily that is. That love has taught me more than my words can express and more than I can even fathom right now, and that boy was the single best thing to ever happen to me. He walked into my life and changed everything, and that, is only one of the many things I thank God for every night.

I believe he was my soul mate. But before you mistake my intentions, I do not believe a soul mate is necessarily the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with. In fact, I believe a soul mate is someone who uncovers layers of yourself that you didn't even know you had. Someone who saves you from a great struggle and someone who helps you find who you are supposed to be.

You may think you and your soul mate are meant to be. Hell, I was positive we were and at a time, he was too. Yet, I think we were so meant to be that we weren't. People come into our lives for reasons; whether it's to teach us a lesson or to guide us through the trenches. I believe that he did just that and I believe no matter how messed up everything currently is and how lost I might feel, that I'm still right where I'm supposed to be.

And I have faith that he is too.

Serenity

I don't know what it is, but when I'm outside under the sun, toes in the water, and in my bikini soaking up every bit of nature around me, it feels like I can finally breathe again.

There's just something about casting a line out on that still water and slowly reeling in your lure. Giving the pole a jerk here and there and steadily turning the handle on the reel.Something about the way the wind blows and the way the sun hits your shoulders. Gosh, I really don't know what it is but there's just something about fishing that soothes my soul. Clears my mind. Makes me happy. I swear I could spend my days like this forever.

When I get older I want a house that sits right on a secluded pond or lake. I'll sit out on my little canoe or boat with a line in the water and a beer in the cup holder. I don't even care how big the fish in the pond are, as long as they aren't those little sharp toothed devils! I mean, it would be nice to have some hogs swimming in my back yard that I could catch and put on my wall, but in the end, that's not what's important to me. 

I'll find a man who enjoys these little things that I do and I'll marry that man. We'll sit in silence on the water or on the shore, enjoying the atmosphere that surrounds us. We'll teach our children how to fish and maybe one day they'll even be better than me, but they'll see they have some catching up to do until then. 

While I was casting away today, this is what I thought about. This brought me such peace and if I achieve these things, then this is a life I'll be proud of.

Re-think.

Today I heard about yet another passing of such a young soul. It pains me to read all the condolences and heartbroken statuses for a peer of mine that I didn't have the pleasure of knowing. It feels like there have been so many deaths lately but maybe I'm just more aware of it all now. Although I didn't know the young man who passed yesterday, my sincerest prayers go out to his family and friends.

It's moments like these that really open your eyes and prove how short life really is. Every moment is so fragile and not one of them is promised.

Every day people pass. Any second it could be you. Nothing is guaranteed in this life and it is so important that we cherish every blessed minute we have on this earth not only ourselves, but also with those around us.

Re-think how you've been living your life. All of us are guilty of taking things and people for granted.

Do us both a favor and be straightforward dammit.

"I’m not like all the other guys" he says.

"Your cute and I like you" he says.  "Ya ya I’m sure you say that to all the girls huh?" you reply. "No no no it’s just you. I really like you" he says.

Cheesy pickup lines.

Putting on the “nice guy” face. (How don’t I know the signs of that by now? How can I not possibly tell that a guys is just planning to play me when it has happened so many times already?)
Doing and saying all the right things (How the hell did I not see the red flags?)

Ladies, I think by now we all know what I am referring too. Players. They exist and they’re everywhere and they suck. I don’t think boys understand the toll it has on a girl to be played. I don’t think they can see the damage they are doing when they look at you with that glimmer in their eyes. It makes you feel special, it makes you melt and it’s just as knee weakening as their soft seductive voice that knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Before they even go for a kiss they’re already killing you slowly and by the time they are leaning in, it’s then that they’ve got you hooked.

With kisses of poison they inject venom. Venom that’s addicting. It keeps us wanting more and it’s blinding. It’s not until the “deed” is done that we have the clarity to see what has actually just happened. To hear the words, “I don’t actually like you. I thought we were just messin around”. Ha. Messin around. Is that why you were so persistent? It wasn’t that you actually liked me for me? Is it ever going to be that someone likes me just for me and that for once they aren’t going to want just sex from me.

One urge, one goal, one mission. Whatever you call it, it’s all the same and it disgusts me. You give us false hopes and lower our expectations. You cause girls to degrade themselves, lose respect for themselves and grow to believe and accept that all guys are going to treat us this way; which leads us to settle for less than what we deserve. It’s a terrible cycle. I know that there are girls that do it too but not to the extremities that guys do.

Why don’t you put your extremely good acting kills to use and try out for a soap opera? Or even
better. Maybe if you boys decided to use all that time and effort that you do trying to get girls in bed, and put it into finding one nice girl that can be yours, then you can have all the sex you want with that one person. All that time and effort could be put to good use elsewhere as well. Hell, if you’re too much of a douche bag for commitment, at least save the nice girls the hurt and be straightforward about your motives. That way you’d be saving both our time and especially our feelings because we are girls (we’ll deny it) are kinda stupid sometimes. Sometimes we don’t see what things really are (or we refuse to) and we take you assholes and your bullshit at face value.


I am not disposable. So stop treating me and millions of other women like we are and give us some substance; give us validity; and for the love of god, quit making it utterly impossible for us to find some complacency.

My Favorite Life Lessons Thus Far

1. What's meant to be will be
2. We all make mistakes
3. Regrets are a waste of time
4. Looking back puts a halt on progress
5. Moving on isn't as hard as we make it out to be
6. Life goes on whether you decide to get back up or not
7. It's better to have loved and lost, than to have not loved at all
8. You are in control of your own destiny
9. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
10. If you want to be happy, be

Me

A guy asks me out on a date and my immediate thought is, 'Why?'.

'Why would you want to go out on a date with me?'

Then I start listing all the things that I see wrong with me. I start comparing myself to him and other girls. This boy is kind, athletic, funny, interested in the same things as me and super good-looking; he could have any girl he wants and he's asking me on a date?

Yeah, he sure is. And you know what? He won't be the last guy to do so.

I have stunning blue eyes, silky strawberry blonde hair, and a great smile. I also have a great body- I forget to be appreciative of it, no matter how hard I constantly work to keep up with it. I love exercising and being active. I am extremely athletic and competitive. I love sports, but especially football. I love the outdoors and sitting on a still pond casting toward the shore. I am not the typical girl who loves to shop and do my make-up because I think that natural beauty far exceeds all the fake tans, manicures and foundation caked on your face.

Aside from my looks, I have a killer personality. I am funny as all hell; I can make others laugh just as easily as I crack myself up. I am fun and no matter where I am, what situation I am in, or who I'm with; I make a good time happen anytime. I am creative and innovative- able to make something out of nothing. I appreciate all life's little things and I am easily amused. I am spontaneous. I dance when I hear music and I am silly when I feel like being silly. I smile often and I think the world we live in is an amazing place. I am great with children and will one day be an amazing mother, despite the past misfortunes I have experienced. I look at my traumatic past like it's a stepping stone to a great future. I see it optimistically- that my trials and tribulations have made me who I am today. I am strong, resilient, and brave. I have perspective that many don't, and I use it to my advantage to help others. I am grateful and appreciative, never forgetting to count my blessings. I am wise beyond my years and I am the only one of me there is. I may be hard on myself, but it is days like these that I realize I should be proud of myself. I have come so far and still have so far to go, but I have risen from so much darkness and it's imperative that I remember the progress I've made.

It's time I start believing and stop questioning why a man would ask me out on a date.

I am beautiful, I am me, and there is no one else I'd want to be.

"The Wrong Door"

So today I found myself in a seminar on the very thing I had been avoiding for weeks now- Love.

I was with a girlfriend of mine and we just laughed it off for a bit, because 1.) That's just what we do, 2) We had no plans of even attending this seminar until we walked into the wrong door and had spontaneously decided we might as well just stay, and 3) Because we were both actually quite heartbroken so laughter seemed an easy way to brush it off.

I don't know about my friend, but it was quite frankly painful to listen to the lecture. There were couples there, telling their stories, how they met, etc. But there my friend and I sat. In the back row having a "grand ole time". I believe that she was hurting just as much as me. It didn't take long for our laughter to die down. All it took was for the speaker to start discussing the down sides of love, the very things we fear, and the horrible things we feel. There was other single people in the room too, he was questioning them, helping them. People with different and unique examples of struggles they've been going through. It was like an optimist intervention. It was exactly what I needed to hear, it was the very thought process I have been trying to adopt.

I was consumed by my thoughts and hadn't realized the speaker had walked down the aisle and asked me a question. He was standing right in front of me.



Speaker: Miss? What's your name?

          My friend jabbed me with her elbow.

Speaker: Miss?

Me (shit why me): *ahem* Oh hi, sorry, what did you say?

Speaker: I asked what your name was.

Me: My apologies, name's Sam.

Speaker: Sam. That's a nice name. Now tell me, what brings you and your friend here to this seminar?

Me: We actually opened the wrong door, we were in the city looking around for things to do.

Speaker: So you had no actual destination in mind?

Me: Uh, no. I suppose we didn't.

Speaker: So why do you suppose this was the "wrong door", as you so called it?

Me (stammering): Oh no, I uh, didn't intend for that to uh--

Speaker (interrupting me): No offense taken, but that isn't my point. You said that you had no destination in mind, but that you quote, "came in the wrong door". If you had no place in particular to go, then how do you know that this wasn't the right door? How do you know that this isn't where you are supposed to be at this exact moment? That maybe stumbling in here will change everything about where you currently are in your life. Tell me something Sam, do you have a boyfriend?

          Uhm, excuse me? Did he really just ask me that?

Me: No.

Speaker: So you recently had one but no longer do.

          UHM, DOUBLE EXCUSE ME? 

Me: Yes.

Speaker: And he broke your heart, didn't he?

          This is getting uncomfortable

Me: What makes you think so?

Speaker: Think? Aren't you more curious as to how I know so?

Me(with a chuckle): Enlighten me.

Speaker: You put up this cold front that you think no one can see through, but really all I had to do was ask if you had a boyfriend and you cracked. Your entire posture shifted, your pupils dilated, you gulped as if the very sound made it hard to swallow, and I could nearly feel the pain in the "no" that you spoke.

Me: (silence)

Speaker: Tell me this, did you love him?

           There had to have been 100 other people in the room and he had the audacity to ask such personal question!

Me: No.

Speaker: Lies.

          No shit, I didn't know by sitting down I was giving my consent to group therapy.

Me: (silence)  

          I am not doing this right now. I don't have to, I could just get up and leave right now.

Speaker: No one is this room is going to judge you. Everyone in here is vulnerable and open to new perspectives. Everyone in this room has loved and lost, some are even here with their loved ones; others, just as you, aren't. Chances are, you'll never see this folks ever again so what are you so afraid of?

          Vulnerability. Letting people in. Admitting that I am actually a miserable wreck no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise.

Me: It's not a matter of being afraid, but rather a matter of not being ready to discuss these emotions with anyone, yet alone a stranger.

Speaker: Ah but Sam, strangers are the easiest people in the world to talk to!

Me: Yes, but I prefer not to talk on such a personal level.

Speaker: Understandable. However, I don't want you to walk away from this exchange thinking I was interrogating you so just hear me out for a minute Sam. I may not know the whole story, what his name was, or went wrong between you guys. But I can see the pain on your face no matter how well you do cover it from most and how beautiful of a smile you do have. I can see that you are struggling, I can see that you are lost, and I can tell you with no doubt in my mind that you will get through it. You are a beautiful young woman and there are lots of fish in the sea. Stop thinking about the past, the mistakes, and stop thinking that every door you walk into is going to be the "wrong one". I believe that this door today was the right one and when you lay your head down on your pillow tonight, I hope that you'll believe that too.



And then he turned around, headed back to the front of the room while people clapped, and he continued on speaking to the group. All the while the conversation had now been directed to how we need to start thinking every hypothetical door we walk through is the right one; the one that will change everything for us. Not only was I amazed at the speakers improvisation for his entire talk, but I felt as if the Lord himself had just spoken with me. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt good.

I was utterly shocked. Even more so at how my friend and I left in silence, not saying a word about what just transpired-I didn't know what to say to her. We hadn't really talked about our recent break-ups, but we both knew that we were hurting. When we got on the train my friend handed me her notebook (she's majoring in journalism). She had written down the entire exchange between me and the speaker and she said to me,

"I'll let you post this on your blog if you let me put it in my school's paper".

My mind was blown. She had actually written all that down. I was so caught up in the conversation with the speaker that I was completely oblivious to her scribbling. I had to have this, so I let her post her story as long as she kept my name out of it just like I kept her name out of my blog. So here's my story, on my blog! I added in a few things (like my thoughts in italics), but thanks to her, I have this memory written down on paper to be remembered perfectly forever and I wouldn't want it any other way.

The man was right. I had walked into the right door today. Just a few days ago I was on the river and had decided everything was going to change in my life, and this encounter today was the greatest reinforcement I never even asked for.

I'm Done with Regret

Today I really felt in my element. I went kayaking and I know the picture is crappy- my terrible phone doesn't do the moment justice. It was in this moment, out in the sun and on the beautiful water away from everyone else that I finally felt like I could breathe again. I could think. I could relax and just let go.

I left it all on that river today. All the past, the hurt-everything. Of course I know I'll still feel the pain of heartache and the stress of not knowing where I'm going, but I have faith that I'll find my way and that's more than enough for me.

The only thing you can change about your past is how you feel about it. All my life I've looked back with regret, no matter how much I told myself otherwise. Whether a past action becomes a regret or a lesson is totally up to you. I'm done with regret. I'm finally setting myself free.

Beautiful

Life is full of its highs and its lows, but it’s important to remember that there is always a needle in the haystack. “Sunshine follows every storm and breaks the dark of every night”-nothing stops the sun from coming up every morning. Shitty dark grey clouds may hide it sometimes, but behind it, the sun is always there.

It’s a shame how quick the moments go when we don’t want them too, and how the clock slows when the days are excruciating. Things will be so good you can’t believe they’re real, and so bad you beg that they aren’t. We think too much and live too little, and by the time we realize we had something great right in front of us, that something’s a fleeting memory. We forget to cherish the moment we’re in, ignorantly thinking the moment will never end, but when it does, it’s gone, and when it’s gone, we feel lost. Lost without that taste of joy- that sweetness that’s nearly perfection.

Unfortunately, I’m in one of those lulls in my life. Fresh out of a time where everything was so good, felt so right, and made me so happy. And I suppose that’s when things hit you the hardest. I lost someone I love deeply, and every ounce of me feels lost. Excuse me, *felt lost until yesterday that is.

I decided it was time to pick myself up, figure out who I am, who I wanna be, and where I wanna go. Otherwise I’ll remain stagnant and go nowhere, and I sure as hell didn’t work so hard to get to where I am and then self destruct. Oh no, not after everything I’ve risen from.

I was told I was beautiful yesterday and I was honored. Words cannot possibly justify how good it felt to hear that one three syllable word. In all honesty, that one word really kicked me in the ass. It picked me up from where I was and I decided I was finally ready to move on from what has been keeping me so low.

If you let it, one word has the power to change everything.

Moving On

No matter how long someone has been a part of your life, it doesn’t mean they necessarily need to stay in it.  If someone detracts from your happiness more than they contribute to it, cut them loose and don’t look back.  Endings are always sad and beginnings are always hard, but do what must be done regardless.

Stronger

Today I really feel stupid. Not the bad kind of stupid, but the kind of stupid that makes you think, “Gee, this really isn’t working and why on earth did it take you so long to realize this?” and then leads you on to a better path. All this time I have been wondering why my once high tolerance for pain has deteriorated so much, when really, the answer is quite simple. I figured out that I’ve come to be someone who fixates on problems too much. All of my life, I've dealt with problems completely out of my control, so when I feel I have some sort of control, I become fixed. I become obsessed with trying to solve them and I persist on trying to do so until I accomplish my goal. Now, if I apply this realization to my relationships with people and how much I’ve been hurting lately, this is the explanation. I continually put myself through the same garbage and hurt from people who don’t appreciate me or simply don't want to be in my life.

Persistence isn’t a bad quality, but when you look at it with the way I am persistent, it becomes a bit overbearing. In all actuality, I probably end up pushing people away all together.

Despite that, I have also realized that one of the biggest contributors to my pain, is well, me. For a long time, I had convinced myself that I must deserve to be treated poorly, seeing as though so many significant figures in my life have done so. I accepted the love that I thought I deserved; the saddest part of that, is that I really wasn’t receiving love at all. Since I can remember, I have held onto the childhood lesson to treat others as you want to be treated. But with certain people in my life that I so badly want to have a good relationship with, I have instead been taken advantage of. I see that I have become the personal doormat of many and shame on me for letting that be so.

And so lastly, I had one more realization today. That no matter how important a person has been, if they are consistently causing you pain, then there has to come a time where enough is enough. A time where you let it go. Where I let it go.

Disassociate. Disassociation is a resolution that I have quite frankly used too many times, but it's all I know. It's the only way I can preserve myself for now. I can’t keep going through this pain in hopes that my voice will be heard when no one is listening. Giving chances upon chances doesn’t get me anywhere, instead it reinforces the behavior I do not want. By being so forgiving and lenient, letting things slide, I am ensuring that I am always going to be there; thus, I am appearing to be weak. Weak I will appear no more. It’s time to stop causing myself unnecessary heartbreak, especially over things that I can predict are coming. People are cyclical and I am going to distance myself from the kind of cyclical that is hurting me deeply. No more tears will be shed- I’ll be stronger.

I’ll be a kind of stronger that I have never known and this is because I will be stronger than I ever have been before.