Stronger

Today I really feel stupid. Not the bad kind of stupid, but the kind of stupid that makes you think, “Gee, this really isn’t working and why on earth did it take you so long to realize this?” and then leads you on to a better path. All this time I have been wondering why my once high tolerance for pain has deteriorated so much, when really, the answer is quite simple. I figured out that I’ve come to be someone who fixates on problems too much. All of my life, I've dealt with problems completely out of my control, so when I feel I have some sort of control, I become fixed. I become obsessed with trying to solve them and I persist on trying to do so until I accomplish my goal. Now, if I apply this realization to my relationships with people and how much I’ve been hurting lately, this is the explanation. I continually put myself through the same garbage and hurt from people who don’t appreciate me or simply don't want to be in my life.

Persistence isn’t a bad quality, but when you look at it with the way I am persistent, it becomes a bit overbearing. In all actuality, I probably end up pushing people away all together.

Despite that, I have also realized that one of the biggest contributors to my pain, is well, me. For a long time, I had convinced myself that I must deserve to be treated poorly, seeing as though so many significant figures in my life have done so. I accepted the love that I thought I deserved; the saddest part of that, is that I really wasn’t receiving love at all. Since I can remember, I have held onto the childhood lesson to treat others as you want to be treated. But with certain people in my life that I so badly want to have a good relationship with, I have instead been taken advantage of. I see that I have become the personal doormat of many and shame on me for letting that be so.

And so lastly, I had one more realization today. That no matter how important a person has been, if they are consistently causing you pain, then there has to come a time where enough is enough. A time where you let it go. Where I let it go.

Disassociate. Disassociation is a resolution that I have quite frankly used too many times, but it's all I know. It's the only way I can preserve myself for now. I can’t keep going through this pain in hopes that my voice will be heard when no one is listening. Giving chances upon chances doesn’t get me anywhere, instead it reinforces the behavior I do not want. By being so forgiving and lenient, letting things slide, I am ensuring that I am always going to be there; thus, I am appearing to be weak. Weak I will appear no more. It’s time to stop causing myself unnecessary heartbreak, especially over things that I can predict are coming. People are cyclical and I am going to distance myself from the kind of cyclical that is hurting me deeply. No more tears will be shed- I’ll be stronger.

I’ll be a kind of stronger that I have never known and this is because I will be stronger than I ever have been before.