An Addiction I Can't Afford

You see, our relationship is a broken record,
though no matter how many times I hear it play,
I can't seem to stop listening.

The rhythm is mesmerizing.
The motions habitual.
A melody so soothing,
A song we've grown comfortable.

It's an alluring electricity in our veins,
that makes it impossible to stay away.
For these consuming sensations,
supersede every imperial affliction.

This love,
is an addiction.

I am finally realizing the effects
of these memories we hold onto.
Stuck in a state of nostalgia,
the past times will haunt you.

In hindsight I now see,
I can no longer afford
to let this love reside inside me.

It's time I accepted
sometimes to love you have to let go.
For our love, is a love, we can no longer know.

-s.d

Home

An old poem, from an old notebook, written on an older date.

Home...
"Is where the heart is" they say
But who are "they" to state
Where it is that my heart remains?
I'm just taking things day by day
For my hearts gone astray.
I left it in New Jersey
Or was is Florida, Georgia or Maine?
I've lived in so many different places
That I lost it along the way.
The word doesn't even register
To a brain, this brain, my brain in disarray.

Home.
At the end of a long hard day
Awaits a house, a bed,
And roof over your head.
It's more than just a place to stay
It's a feeling, a warmth, a comforting though
In knowing you have a place to go
At the end of the day.

Home?
It's a word I've never known.
From tents to trailers
To rooms full of night terrors
No food for days as these hunger pains grow
I looked up at the world saying
Damn this place blows.

Home.
Four letters
One word, one Syllable.
But a meaning incomparable
Incomprehensible
To the girl that never knew a home
Not now, not before.

-s.d

Patience in Isolation

I want to believe that true love exists but it's hard to fathom the idea of something existing when your constantly proven and given substantial evidence that it doesn't. I'm actually beginning to feel stupid, getting my hopes up all over again for someone I hardly know. For thinking I should follow my heart despite all the excruciation it's led me to. I thought to myself, that this time was different than any other time I had begun talking to someone. Sure, I was hit with different emotions and a connection like I had never experienced, but this time was no different than the last because this time, I was bound to get hurt again.

So that's why I'm putting an end to whatever this thing with this boy is before it even has the chance to start. I am young and I am lost. Too lost to get involved with someone again. Too lost to let someone in again because the last time I let someone in completely, it nearly destroyed me. I'm content with keeping to myself and managing the pain on my own. I don't want to be alone or feel this intensifying lonesomeness, but on the contrary, it's a price I'm willing to pay in exchange for my tethered heart not to come undone at the seams.

Loneliness is a second nature to me. I can be comfortable in the lull I used to know so well. I can be self sufficient and hold myself together without help from another. I will not be dependent upon anyone but myself and I will continue on this path of existence until I can find it in my heart to love again. I will keep my head up, my heart inside my chest, use my logic to protect me, and my faith to guide me wherever my purpose lies. In the meantime, patience is the most suitable form of action to move forward with in this voluntary isolation I remain.

Empty

I'm alone but without actually being alone if that makes any sense. Not sure why I even formed that statement in a question-some manner because it does make sense. I can only speak for myself as I can vouch for none other, but I have concluded that surrounding yourself with a bunch of people doesn't fill the emptiness. In fact, if anything, it intensifies it.

Here I am, surrounded by a bounty of people, great people, so many people and yet I'm lonelier than ever. I'm not sure I can pinpoint a time I've ever not been lonely.

Have I always been lonely with spurts of a feeling that fills the void, or do I just feel spurts of lonesomeness because that's a part of human nature? I'd like to assume that everyone experiences this feeling at some point in their life but I also worry that maybe I am part of a select percentage consisting of all the broken and unfix-able people who feel lonely until the day they die.

I give endless chances to the wrong people and I push away the ones that are actually willing to stick around and help me sift through the ruins. I push people away that I can see myself opening my heart to because my heart is already an open sore, bleeding disappointment from the few people in my life that I can't seem to close the door on despite every bit of logic that tells me I know better.

It's as if I'm so used to pain that I've become content with it. That pain itself is what actually comforts me and happiness that scares me because it is so unknown. Now how could that be? You may be asking yourself how it's possible that one could be more welcoming to pain than joy, but we are a species of habit- if you were to become conditioned to pain and how to cope with it on a daily basis, you too would be scared to open up to something more. Opening up to the chance of happiness is standing on a tight rope in the Grand Canyon leaving it up to complete faith that the wind won't blow you over.

I actually believe I am afraid of being happy because anytime I feel even an inkling of happy, my world seems to come crashing down in ways I didn't see possible.

No matter how much I try to decipher my seemingly magnetic draw to pain, I can't figure out why I'd be more willing to open the door to a man with a dagger than a man with a bouquet of flowers. Regardless, I suppose I've gotten to the point in my life where I expect the worst and that's what I will get until I demand better.

That said, I'd like to say I know what my next steps to a better life full of love and void of loneliness are, but I don't. I'm frozen in time. I go with the motions day to day and leave my life in the hands of fate. I embrace the pain. I embrace the loneliness.

Upon the beaten path I am complacent in a state of non existent nostalgia.

A Post About An Old Post

entry from a newly found old notebook, written on an unknown date

"I sit in my bed, yet another night with my back toward my roommate and my face staring at a blank wall where all of his pictures used to sit. I took them all down when I got back from the airport and now I like the blankness better quite frankly.

Sitting here looking at this blank white wall, I can relate to it. It's empty, lonely almost. You see, me and this wall have a lot in common. I can vaguely hear my roommate talking to me, but it's muffled and I don't care to focus in- so I don't. Day by day, I sit staring at this wall. My roommate eventually stopped trying to reach me, my friends stopped texting me, and my teachers stopped emailing me. In fact I stopped going to class completely, for I was just too busy.

Staring at the wall.

I stopped eating, nearly completely. I was wasting away- literally. I lost twenty pounds and I looked skinnier than ever, considering my new diet consisted of alcohol and the occasional grilled cheese.

I'd go out and drink myself to oblivion, and quite honestly, I think a part of me hoped that I would be able to just drink myself to death. A painless death in which my last thoughts wouldn't be the ones that drove me mad. I'd part quietly from the world, unnoticed and the slate would be wiped clean. Just like my blank white wall by my bed side.

In fact, a part of me was envious of that wall. It could hold whatever it wanted upon it's surface and it could be taken down at any time. If a picture was there, but it no longer belonged, it could just simply be removed. All of me pleaded and wished that the pain and memories could just be erased like such.

I stopped listening to music, because all my favorite songs brought back the sharpest memories. I stopped eating because I had no appetite. I stopped talking to people because I'd find myself drowning out the noise and lose track of the conversation. I isolated myself from everyone and everything. I no longer cared. I no longer tried. I just existed.

I would literally sit in my dorm all day and go for long late night runs, when the motivation would strike me and no one would be wake to see me. I tried to run away from the pain but no matter how fast I ran, the pain just ran faster. No amount of alcohol could stop it either. Nothing could stop my mind except that damn white wall. I know I've stressed it a lot, and have been a bit redundant, but the truth of the matter is exactly that. My days had become redundant, not that they aren't anyway, but each day was literally the same. I looked terrible. Everyone around me could tell I was deteriorating except me.

Freshman class president, with all the friends on campus, the most outgoing, happy and bubbly person all my peers had known to be, had vanished. People stopped saying hi because they got tired of not hearing a response. I got so sick of the pitiful looks, therefore the reason I stopped leaving my dorm completely.

Out of all the things in my life that I'd been through, it'd surprise anyone to hear that this was what broke me. After all the trauma, the pain, and darkness that I had risen from, it was a boy- heartbreak- that made feel so very unfixable."

It's crazy how we stumble across things that we had forgotten about. I forgot I had written this, but this is an entry from one of my journals. It's hard to fathom that I once felt like this, lost myself like this. It's made me realize that I'm actually still looking for myself. 

How Can You Move Forward Before You've Healed?

You can't.

I can't.

I tried so hard to fake it. I thought if I tried hard enough and tried forcing myself to look at/ document things more positively, that I may actually start to believe it. It's said that one can be so dedicated to a lie and so consumed in that lie, that they themselves, can confuse it as truth. Well, unfortunately that's not the case when  you are using the method to mask and diminish pain in hopes of not having to deal with it. Pain demands to be felt said Van Houton. There is no way to skip a step in the process; any and all attempts to beat around the bush, just feed said bushes roots until you finally realize there is no way around it's infinitely expanding properties. My life is simply in shambles. I've been avoiding it and I've taken every step possible to deface it. There is no way around it. No way out of it's grasp until you solve the problem. There is no way to apply positive thinking if you are applying it to a role it cannot possibly fill; it would seem, I've been trying to force a positive mind upon one that's grieving; I haven't given it proper time to heal.

Write A Book and Get It Published

#36 On my bucket list. Write a book and get it published.

When I was fifteen I started writing a book, not in mind that one day I'd publish it, but in an attempt to cope with and figure out the things I had experienced in my life. Just a few weeks ago however, I found more writings on my laptop that I had completely forgotten about, probably because I was severely depressed a couple months ago not long after I had written them. These writings, are painful, but yet beautiful. They're about my relationship with a special someone before shit hit the fan, and also after shit hit the fan.

It's crazy how these words can bring me back to exactly how I felt when I wrote them. So that's when I decided that I was going to put them in my book. A book about my life. Whether it's a hit or not, I really don't care, but I know I want to publish it one day. It's getting pretty lengthly, and in all honesty it's helped me figure out a great deal of things. Being able to put my thoughts and feelings down, not only captures the moment to be remembered forever, but organizes them in a way that I can move on with my life satisfied.

I hope that one day I can use my story to help others. To inspire others that their life is what they make it and they are not defined by what's happened to them or what they've done. That no matter how dark things might get, there is always a light to be found and there is always a reason to move forward.

Full Circle

Everyone has experienced what it feels like to miss someone, to miss their presence and their character, but have you ever experienced missing someone so much that it hurts? I never knew it was possible. I had grown to keep everyone just out of arms reach of me, because I was so used to people leaving and so used to the pain of being alone. But then I met a person who changed everything. The way I looked at things, the way I looked at myself, and most importantly the way I looked at my relationships with other people.

He sure was something special let me tell you and it aches to have to write that in past tense, but that's exactly where he lies and where our memories sit. I drown out the days and I move forward in time, hoping the clock will heal the wound his absence has left, but time hasn't done much other than dry my eyes.

I miss him. Not us, not our relationship, but our friendship. Our companionship. Every stupid little joke, every phone call, end every confusing part of my life I needed a different perspective and advice on. Now knowing that we will never have that again, just makes the reality of things all the more blurry. I've over scheduled myself with work in hopes to fill the lonely void, but instead I'm only encountered by hundreds of strangers a day, and I can't decide what's lonelier. To be surrounded by strangers in hopes of erasing something that hurts, or to isolate yourself from others to face the pain in solitude. Yet here I am doing both, so I suppose that makes me extra lonely.

I go to work and surround myself by people I don't know, with stories I don't know, and we share light conversations full of nothing significant. When I ask them how they're doing, they all say great, or good, or fine. And when they ask in return how I'm doing, I say "I'm great thanks", meanwhile I am fully aware that isn't always true. Yet we give the same answers and get the same ones in return, not concerned what the real answer is, because no one really cares if you aren't doing well. If you are just trying to get through the day and you haven't been yourself for a while.

So as far as anyone is concerned, I'm doing great.

My smile says I'm happy, my friends think I'm funny, and I gloat about how well I'm doing for myself, but how am I really?

I am doing well for myself, so that's not a lie. But in the end, what's so grand about working back to back, day by day, just to come home and hide from the world and all the beautiful people out there that I'm too afraid to get close to? I'm not doing great, but I'm not doing bad either. I'm just existing, and I suppose that's even worse than the ladder now isn't it?

Anyway, I don't know who's reading this, I don't care if anyone is quite frankly. I just write these things down in hopes of organizing my thoughts and getting some sleep, because lying in bed at night with a racing mind doesn't help me accomplish either.

I miss him.

So much that it hurts. No matter where my mind travels, where it wanders, how many hours of overtime I work, how much I work out, sweat, and run from it, it all goes back to him. Everything comes full circle and I'm back to right where I started.

Promoting Natural Beauty

I'd like to introduce everyone to well, me. Just like every other girl in the world, I once too, was void of confidence.

Unfortunately, most girls never strip themselves of these insecurities and they live with them forever. I mean, how could they not with the tabloids and magazines telling them that beautiful is skinny, tan, blonde and curvy all at the same time? No acne, perfect teeth, perfect butt, boobs, waist, hips, legs, etc.

These girls do indeed exist, but it is not something to aspire to be.

Aspire to be successful. Aspire to be good and to do good things. Aspire to be yourself, to love yourself, and love the day you've been blessed to walk upon. Most importantly, aspire to be happy, because you were made exactly as you were supposed to be!

When I woke up this morning, I took the picture that you see above because that is who I am. No make up, a huge smile to start the day, and the philosophy that natural is indeed beautiful. I am beautiful.

The second you realize that you don't need a product to be beautiful and you find it in yourself to simply be you and everything you were made to be, you will be free from society's expectations. You'll be free because you no longer care to meet them and in my eyes, that's a big accomplishment for women today.

Time

Time. What even is time anyway? Ticks on a clock. The amount of sunlight in the day. The amount of darkness in the night.

Day. Night. Why can't it be night time when the sun shines and day time when the moon shines?

Because someone told us so. Time is man made. Non-existent. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, years. When we break it down, it's all the same and time, really means nothing at all. The sun sets and comes up again, over and over and over as the earth spins on it's axis and revolves around the sun. Every year the earth makes a lap around the sun and we end up in the same exact place once again.

The same place.

A Monday is no different than a Thursday, nor is last week any different from next week. Aside from the weather and temperature, and duration of the sun that shines, every day is literally the same as the last. Different events take place. Different words are spoken. Different meals consumed. But in the end, what's really the difference?

Every day we wake up, eat, go to work, sleep, and do it all over again. I'm stuck in this dull cycle and I don't want to be. I'm at a road block here, not knowing which move to make next to change what it is that I'm not satisfied with. Yet I don't really have much of a choice. I need the finances and despite how little time I have left in the day for just me anymore, it appears this is the only way. If my displeasure now, leads to my success in the future, then I suppose it's worth it.

I just don't know how to feel about where I'm at in my life and I suppose the cyclical  motions drowning out my days doesn't exactly help. The numbness of time and the repetitive ticks on the clock make it hard for me to see past just tomorrow. I'm doing what I'm doing for a better future but that's ironic when it's a future so undetermined with my vision so clouded. 

I wake up. I go to work. Collect my paycheck and go to sleep just to do it all over again. I suppose I just want to know when this broken record will be fixed and when the day will come that I'll wake up and no longer be just going with the motions to get by. I guess I'm just looking forward to the days I don't want to end again because this can't be what growing up is all about. 

I mean. At least I hope it isn't. 

Pain, Love, and Lessons

Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you always expect it be there, because you can't remember a time it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else, something that feels wrong. Wrong because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment, you realize your happy.

Love gave me this feeling. One single, beautiful, and gracious person. I had gotten so used to living a life full of pain that I didn't realize I was resisting something so much larger than myself. It took me two years to give it a shot and only three or four months for the flame to die out.We burned so brightly together and I've realized I was wrong to regret that for the past couple months.

Looking back on it now, I am ever so grateful for the time I spent carelessly happy and blissfully free, no matter how short it lasted. Because to me, every moment of pain I had risen from, was worth every second of love and letting someone in all the way. It was so hard to let go of, because it was such a long journey to get to where we had gotten. Letting him in was the hardest thing I had ever done and in the end it taught me that I can't get through life shutting people out. If I want to live happily that is. That love has taught me more than my words can express and more than I can even fathom right now, and that boy was the single best thing to ever happen to me. He walked into my life and changed everything, and that, is only one of the many things I thank God for every night.

I believe he was my soul mate. But before you mistake my intentions, I do not believe a soul mate is necessarily the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with. In fact, I believe a soul mate is someone who uncovers layers of yourself that you didn't even know you had. Someone who saves you from a great struggle and someone who helps you find who you are supposed to be.

You may think you and your soul mate are meant to be. Hell, I was positive we were and at a time, he was too. Yet, I think we were so meant to be that we weren't. People come into our lives for reasons; whether it's to teach us a lesson or to guide us through the trenches. I believe that he did just that and I believe no matter how messed up everything currently is and how lost I might feel, that I'm still right where I'm supposed to be.

And I have faith that he is too.