She looks well put together, happy, and seems to always be having a good time. You get to talking to her and you think to yourself, "wow, this girl is pretty darn cool". She's funny, cheerful, and laid back. But the more you talk to her and try to get to know her, you start to notice that she's holding back. She hasn't shared anything personal and when you try to ask any questions about her past or anything dear to her heart, she awkwardly averts the question all together.
Bingo.
Not only did I just describe myself, but I also described many other girls who present themselves the same. Of course, this isn't only a problem for women (as there are many men who share the same qualities), but today I'm focusing on us girls. We who build walls and fortunately for you, I just happen to be an expert.
Girls Who Build Walls 101
Behind this girl, are ugly stories and past times that haunt her. Upon her face, she wears a frequent smile to hide her pitiful brokenness and it is behind great walls, this brokenness lies.
1. Alas! You can't fix her.
For some reason guys seem to be attracted to a damsel in distress. I think something about being a knight in shining armor grants them a sense of masculinity. Anyway, she is not your responsibility, or anyone else's for that matter. So don't bother trying to sweep her off her feet. Not only would it be a waste of your time, but it would also be a tad insulting. That may strike as odd, but in her mind, she is taking care of herself. She's always had to be self sufficient and she's gotten so use to coping in solitude, that it will take more than a boy trying to play hero to change that.
2. Don't try to break down her walls.
I repeat, do not try to break down her walls. She will immediately recognize you as a threat and even if you were so lucky as to remove a brick, she'd insert another (and probably one more after that for good measure). Give her some credit for crying out loud; she put a lot of time in effort into constructing these defenses. How dare you try and destroy them!
3. She isn't ready to let anyone in yet.
She has skeletons in her closet, and she doesn't plan on showing you them anytime soon. Whether it's because she's ashamed of an ugly past or so scarred by it that she refuses to revisit, it is imperative that you accept that she simply isn't ready.
4. If you're trying to earn her love: Good Luck (insert an encouraging pat on the back here)
It's a long journey, and a hidden path in which few have ventured. Unfortunately for you, she's covered it's tracks upon heartbreak. She can't give you her heart, for not only has it not been returned, but when she does get it back, she'll understandably guard it vivaciously. She'll tend to it's wounds and keep it dear to her, for she's realized how painstaking it's absence is.
5. If your still determined to win her over despite these down falls: give her space.
Tell her how you feel and don't be offended when she needs time to digest it. Be understanding that it's hard for her to trust and even harder for her to open up and let anyone see even the most minuscule hardship she's facing.
6. Be patient.
Let her try to push through her struggles alone. This doesn't mean you should ignore her, in fact, it's necessary you reassure her that you are there for her. That way she knows if she needs a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on, that she can count on you. She's stubbornly set on helping herself as her resilience has fooled her into thinking she can handle far more than she can carry. It is not until her legs give out beneath heavy shoulders that she is humbled. Humbled from keeping her head high, proud of how strong she is and proud of her tolerance for pain.
It is in this moment that she is most vulnerable. She will either go to you in desperation, or will instead (and most likely) go through the cycle a few more times, before realizing she really can't do it on her own.
She'll find herself saying "next time I'll be stronger" and "next time I won't break". She'll wonder how many more times she'll have to fix herself before she becomes invincible, or if she's ever even fixed herself in the first place. She'll contemplate if she's been broken all along and only fooled periodically into thinking she had put the pieces back together.
That is however, for her to figure out.
7. She will need to fail, most likely several times, before she will come to you.
It is imperative however, that you let her make the first step when she is ready. It will not be until she fails that she recognizes she needs help. Equivocate the process to someone who smokes cigarettes. You can't tell them they to quit; they need to realize it and do it on their own.
8. Don't have expectations...
Unless you wish to be let down that is, for she is unpredictable and unintentionally destructive. She'll tell you to stay away, and push you away with the mindset that you'd be better off with out her. Of course it's reasonable to expect the norm, like respect and kindness. If she's mean to you/rude to you, I am no way saying it is justifiable because she has problems to work through. That's no excuse and for lack of better words, chances are she's just a bitch (and I suggest you run). Us girls who build walls understand what it is to struggle and so we are cautious in how we treat others. We also wouldn't want to drive everyone completely away because we fear actual solitude (not mental since we self bestow that, but literal, in the realistic sense). We just don't want to tell you our life story and greatest fears is all, hence the guarded persona. Anyway, I digress.
9. Lastly and most importantly: Don't give up on her.
No one said that this would be easy. In fact, she tried everything she could to warn you and send you the opposite direction. She knows that she has a lot of work to do and she knows that it would be far too much to ask you to try and keep up with it. So in a sense of idiotic martyrdom, she gives you a way out because she'd feel guilty asking you to stay. Don't give up though, you've made it this far!
If you can trudge through her trenches and get through to her, I promise that you will uncover the rawest and truest beauty. Beauty that she herself will never see until someone shows it to her. After all, it is the through great pain and hardship that the most beautiful people are born.
Now you just have to ask yourself: are you willing to dig up this deeply buried treasure?
