With great womanhood comes great conformity, *ahem*, I mean responsibility

Let me first start off by saying, NO, this isn't another one of those articles that rants on about men having life so much easier because us women have to push actual tiny humans out of the same inconvenient (but necessary) monthly bleeding orifice. I swear that feminists are the only group of people that even make that argument and quite frankly, I wish they'd stop, simply because a tiny human coming out of your vagina is freaking awesome. It may be painful but isn't the reward worth it? Past all the screams and agony, you've carried this life for nearly a year and now have finally given birth to it. It's a process to be named nothing less than a miracle. However, it would seem my rather feminine mindset has caused me to digress. Conveniently enough, this very though process of a female brains leads me to my first burden of womanhood.

#1. An emotionally influential logic

Let's face it, we're women and were emotional. I've tried to convince myself many times that although I have a vagina, I don't have all the emotion and drama that comes with it.

WRONG!

I don't care who you are or how much of a bro you claim to be- you're a woman and you have the same disadvantaging emotionally influential logic the rest of us do.

Fight it all you want, but your just postponing an inevitable acceptance. It's best you just save yourself the confusion and acknowledge your estrogen. Oppressing it only multiplies the hormone and there will come a day it refuses to be ignored any longer and in a demand to be noticed, it will release a Pandora's box type of explosion of emotion. Whether it's that sad movie that has you crying while eating Ben and Jerry's or a hostile swarming rampage of PMSing anger, your estrogen will make itself known. Trust me, I learned this the hard way. Which leads me to point two.

#2. We have to learn everything the hard way

We hate taking advice about that bad boy everyone said will only break our heart. We take their bets on how long our relationship will last as motivation to prove them wrong. We're extremely mistaken in thinking that we can change this boy and make him settle down and no matter how many articles we read telling us otherwise, were determined to work "our magic" anyway. Long story short, we find ourselves cocooned in blankets on our couches indulging in huge pints of ice cream and watching our favorite feel good love stories while we restock on hopes that true love in the movies exists in real life.

#3. We set expectations that no man will ever meet. We set the bar too high

We watch movies that portray men simply much greater than they ever will be. Not saying these guys don't exist, because I'm sure they do, but there isn't enough of them for every drooling girl on the face of the earth that wants one. Noah from the notebook for one, has set the bar far too high for men which in itself is ironic, considering Nicholas Sparks (a man himself), created the charmingly perfect character. *insert eye roll here*

#4. Magazines

We irrationally feel bad about ourselves flipping through the glossy pages, forgetting that every single perfectly toned women is also: perfectly photo-shopped.


....to be continued

Existence?

I just need some space. The world is smothering me. All my emotions seem to be at war and I don't know how to think clearly anymore. It's baffling, because I used to have such a good handle on myself. I was aware of my surroundings and every feeling that made it's passage.

I'm lost. Confused.

Numb.

I find myself giving great advice and going to bed each night with a new piece missing. How can one fall apart in such a swift motion when they have such a vast intuition and intellect? These cycles of life are monotonous and recognizable, yet somehow I don't know where I am. I'm running and chasing a meaning that is undiscovered. A meaning that complexes me. Intrigues me. Disgusts me.

Why are we here?

What is the point? Salvation? 100 years waiting to die to see if there is eternal life after all?

Why.
Are.
We.
Here.

Vulnerability and Deciet

It makes me feel trapped in my own skin; vulnerability- it's suffocating.

There is one person in this world, who I've allowed myself to continually open up to and continually I regret it. The control he has over people is disturbing. The control he has over ME, well, it is my greatest fear.

How can I be so strong and yet made so weak? How could I have survived all that I have, only to crumble at the feet of someone so poisonous? Chance after chance, he builds me up jsut to break me down, yet still I remain on this roller coaster unable to get off. Unable to walk away for good. Unable to accept that maybe this person is never going to change and maybe the good I've held on to all this time, is simply a false means of justification.

It's as if he has this void he is constantly trying to fill and replace with different girls. Girls that fall to his charm, unaware they are to become collateral damage. Like a puppeteer, I watch him articulate and juggle the different characters. Each are fighting for his affection, even the ones who don't know it. He is powerful in his deceit. Dangerous in his allure and I wonder, why does he string me along to watch so many others fall? I wonder why I have to watch him play his games and fiddle with my heart, only to come crawling back to me when he is finished having his fun. Only to plead his case to me when I've decided he his presence has become too toxic. You'd think I'd know these answers by now, having seen the motions play like a broken record. I don't. I only uncover more questions the more time goes by.

I know him better than anyone, yet still he is my greatest enigma. Constantly weeding through his garden of lies makes it quite difficult to figure out such complexities.

I suppose my selflessness is my greatest weakness. I've always believed that there is hope for everyone, but maybe, there isn't. Maybe I will never know the answers to my questions and he will forever lead a life of emptiness. A life that emulates the definition of insanity. A void so large that no person or thing could possibly fulfill but that he'll kill himself trying to.

Maybe there are some things we are just incapable of understanding.

Temporary Emotions

Emotions- they are all temporary. Pain is temporary. As much as we hate it, we cannot experience true joy without the existence of pain. There is no black without white, just as there is no light without darkness, or more importantly life without death. 7 billion people on the planet and it would seem we are all chasing the very same fleeting and skittish sensation: happiness. We chase happiness and run as fast and as far away from even the most minuscule doses of pain.

It would appear that misery overstays its welcome, taking advantage of your hospitality, while contentment's nomadic appearances come and go so fast you didn't even get a chance to grow used to it's presence. That's just how our brains work however. Negativity seems to cloak positivity. We are wired to miss the good when something bad is in even in our peripheral. It's in our nature. If only more people realized how temporary it all really was though. In hindsight, they'd see how important it is to be grateful and aware of the goodness when it presents itself. Then they'd also see how utterly silly it was to hold on to a past unchangeable and things or people that do more harm than good, for they'd now understand that their hopeful patience only prolonged the healing process.

When things get bad, when you've hit rock bottom (we all have at some point), you want to give up. All you can see is the ruins left of yourself. You let the darkness consume you and you no longer see a point in trying because that's just how bad things have gotten. Yet, there is a certain beauty in this very moment of darkenss and that's simple because things cannot get any worse; they can only get better. You can only go up from the lowest crevice in which you've fallen. There is hope, there is light, and there is a point. Sometimes it takes falling apart to reform yourself and in return, truly and finally find yourself.

May I again reiterate, so you understand the magnitude of the phrase: pain is temporary. It demands to be felt (as says author John Greene, The Fault In Our Stars). In the name of a great Rascal Flatts song, "Let it Hurt". Let all the hurt hit you from every direction. Cry it all out, sweat it all out, wash it all out- just let it out. Holding it in and resisting it's existence only intensifies the effects later down the line. You cannot change or move on without acknowledging and accepting the very emotion that will eat you alive until you let it reap it's wrath; so bite the bullet and get back on the horse.

Crappy things happen- that's life. It is imperative that you be grateful for the ups and be even more so grateful for the downs; the downs are what make us stronger, and without them, we would not truly know greatness. We wouldn't be appreciative of happiness without knowing it's absence. So if you are hurting today, just know that it will pass. Know that things will get better and when they do, they will also get worse again because crisis is inevitable.

What you do with it is your decision.

Perfection Doesn't Exist- Any Belief Otherwise Destroys

I realized today, that it is wrong to hold someone in such high regard. Not in a respectful sense, but when you put them on a pedestal. On this pedestal, you have an untainted image and with that comes the highest of expectations. It is an injustice, and I'm afraid I have done someone just that.

You see, there is this young man who I hold very close to my heart. I love him tremendously. I don't think I could find enough words to explain how strongly I feel for him. To be simply put, he is the most beautiful person I have ever encountered. He is moral, intelligent, deeply caring, and everything I strive to be. He's hard on himself for his mistakes and humble in his helping ways. He's not perfect but in my eyes, I always held him to be. That right there is a problem.

I've done him a great disservice when I found myself disappointed last night. Over the years I've known him, there's been a slight change in his ways and having learned this recent change, I was let down; shocked. I thought to myself, "no, this isn't the man I know. The man I know wouldn't, and couldn't, do these things he once claimed he'd never be able to". Here I was, unworthy of his very love and judging his decisions when I had no place to. All because I was in disbelief, but I was only in disbelief because I unknowingly created unreasonable expectations for him. For this person, just like any other, bound imperfect in this life. I let my fear overcome my logic, and began to push away all progress that was starting to bud.

I've always had this stigma in my head that he was too good for me; better than me; I'd never deserve him. Bang! Another big mistake I made! What a sad thing, to compare oneself to another. We are all tainted beings- sinners. Our mistakes are inevitable and a necessary component to our learning experiences. We all have decisions to be ashamed- it is what makes us human.

Who was I to put these wrongdoings on a scale to determine which is greater than those of thee? The simple matter of fact is that he is still the same man I have always known, even more so beautiful having risen upon great struggle! I love him and every damn flaw that comes with him. I love him so much it scares me and if I'm not willing to take a leap of faith, I'm never going to see what could be and I will forever wonder what could have been.

Pushing him away and finding reasons not to open up to the possibilities is not only so very unfair to him, but also to myself. It's time I outgrow these childish ways and learn that people will let you down. They will hurt you. I can't just shut out whoever causes me pain, for I am guilty of the act myself. If I close myself off to these chances in fear of getting hurt, I am not alive. I will live a dull and lonely life, void of the wonders in love and happiness. I will in turn, live a life absent of risk and in turn, absent of any meaning at all.