I just need some space. The world is smothering me. All my emotions seem to be at war and I don't know how to think clearly anymore. It's baffling, because I used to have such a good handle on myself. I was aware of my surroundings and every feeling that made it's passage.
I'm lost. Confused.
Numb.
I find myself giving great advice and going to bed each night with a new piece missing. How can one fall apart in such a swift motion when they have such a vast intuition and intellect? These cycles of life are monotonous and recognizable, yet somehow I don't know where I am. I'm running and chasing a meaning that is undiscovered. A meaning that complexes me. Intrigues me. Disgusts me.
Why are we here?
What is the point? Salvation? 100 years waiting to die to see if there is eternal life after all?
Why.
Are.
We.
Here.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Vulnerability and Deciet
It makes me feel trapped in my own skin; vulnerability- it's suffocating.
There is one person in this world, who I've allowed myself to continually open up to and continually I regret it. The control he has over people is disturbing. The control he has over ME, well, it is my greatest fear.
How can I be so strong and yet made so weak? How could I have survived all that I have, only to crumble at the feet of someone so poisonous? Chance after chance, he builds me up jsut to break me down, yet still I remain on this roller coaster unable to get off. Unable to walk away for good. Unable to accept that maybe this person is never going to change and maybe the good I've held on to all this time, is simply a false means of justification.
It's as if he has this void he is constantly trying to fill and replace with different girls. Girls that fall to his charm, unaware they are to become collateral damage. Like a puppeteer, I watch him articulate and juggle the different characters. Each are fighting for his affection, even the ones who don't know it. He is powerful in his deceit. Dangerous in his allure and I wonder, why does he string me along to watch so many others fall? I wonder why I have to watch him play his games and fiddle with my heart, only to come crawling back to me when he is finished having his fun. Only to plead his case to me when I've decided he his presence has become too toxic. You'd think I'd know these answers by now, having seen the motions play like a broken record. I don't. I only uncover more questions the more time goes by.
I know him better than anyone, yet still he is my greatest enigma. Constantly weeding through his garden of lies makes it quite difficult to figure out such complexities.
I suppose my selflessness is my greatest weakness. I've always believed that there is hope for everyone, but maybe, there isn't. Maybe I will never know the answers to my questions and he will forever lead a life of emptiness. A life that emulates the definition of insanity. A void so large that no person or thing could possibly fulfill but that he'll kill himself trying to.
Maybe there are some things we are just incapable of understanding.
There is one person in this world, who I've allowed myself to continually open up to and continually I regret it. The control he has over people is disturbing. The control he has over ME, well, it is my greatest fear.
How can I be so strong and yet made so weak? How could I have survived all that I have, only to crumble at the feet of someone so poisonous? Chance after chance, he builds me up jsut to break me down, yet still I remain on this roller coaster unable to get off. Unable to walk away for good. Unable to accept that maybe this person is never going to change and maybe the good I've held on to all this time, is simply a false means of justification.
It's as if he has this void he is constantly trying to fill and replace with different girls. Girls that fall to his charm, unaware they are to become collateral damage. Like a puppeteer, I watch him articulate and juggle the different characters. Each are fighting for his affection, even the ones who don't know it. He is powerful in his deceit. Dangerous in his allure and I wonder, why does he string me along to watch so many others fall? I wonder why I have to watch him play his games and fiddle with my heart, only to come crawling back to me when he is finished having his fun. Only to plead his case to me when I've decided he his presence has become too toxic. You'd think I'd know these answers by now, having seen the motions play like a broken record. I don't. I only uncover more questions the more time goes by.
I know him better than anyone, yet still he is my greatest enigma. Constantly weeding through his garden of lies makes it quite difficult to figure out such complexities.
I suppose my selflessness is my greatest weakness. I've always believed that there is hope for everyone, but maybe, there isn't. Maybe I will never know the answers to my questions and he will forever lead a life of emptiness. A life that emulates the definition of insanity. A void so large that no person or thing could possibly fulfill but that he'll kill himself trying to.
Maybe there are some things we are just incapable of understanding.
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