Have you ever woken up in the morning and looked in the mirror, only to not recognize yourself? Your own face deformed in a way that made you feel like you were in someone else's skin? It's a strange question, and your answer is probably no. Mine would've been no a few days ago too. But yesterday morning changed everything for me, I awoke to a huge abscess smack in the middle of my eyebrows, so large that it was pushing down on my nose and eyes sockets. My entire face was swollen and I was looking at a face I didn't recognize. At 21 years old, aside from all the things I have experienced, THIS one has by far been the most humbling.
I have been holed up in my room determined not to show my face in public. Not even to get the mail from the end of my driveway. I cried every time I looked into the mirror and every time I even thought about looking in the mirror. I was in a panic- you see, in just 5 days I was to be on a plane with my boyfriend for our first vacation. Not only that, but I was set to meet some more of his family members. So I cried and cried, and in between tears I googled my symptoms and tried everything to get this swelling to go down. Hot compresses, ice in a wash cloth, steaming my face, squeezing the puss from under my skin out, etc. Finally after no progress, I went to the hospital to get it checked out. Where I was then informed I had an abscess. Of course due to the placement, they were unwilling to cut it open in fear of leaving a scar on my face. So after a quick monotonous look, I was given some antibiotics prescriptions and sent on my merry way home to cry some more. I was so mortified and embarrassed of my outside appearance, that I refused to let my boyfriend see me that night. I cried some more superficial tears as I thought about the vacation where I was going to look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame in all our pictures. I went to bed that night sad and selfish. I prayed to God that he would make me look better tomorrow...
I woke up the next morning and I heard God loud and clear. My face was twice as swollen, the antibiotics had not helped and if I thought I hadn't recognized myself yesterday, today was much worse. It was then that it hit me, There was a lesson to be learned in all of this. How dare I pray to the Lord about something so small. Something so temporary in comparison to this whole life he has given me and laid out for me. Although I was still deeply panicked about my appearance, I decided to let my boyfriend see me and take me back to the hospital for another look at it. After my visit, they ended up draining the volcanoes and taking a culture of the puss. Turned out I had a staph infection and it was a good thing I had it looked at before it had a chance to get into my blood stream. For the net few days, I was put on IV antibiotics to kill the staph in my system quickly. I was blessed enough to have a friend bring me to the hospital and sit beside me, as well as my boyfriend Corey.
I already knew what an amazing guy that Corey was. I knew how much he loved me and I didn't think that him seeing me look so terrible would change anything... But I think that deep down inside I actually did. I believed that he wouldn't see the same beauty that he once saw. In this world, I have become so caught up in my looks and I have paid far too much attention to them. I have been spending too much time shining myself up on the outside and too little time buffering what needs it on the inside. It's important to feel good about yourself and to be confident in the skin your in, but it's even more important to be secure with whats beneath it all. Because one day you could be in a terrible accident or be caught in a fire and not have the same face you were used to seeing everyday. What would you do then? If you had to grow accustomed to a new face? Would you still be you? Would the people around you still think you were beautiful?
I learned today that it is indeed possible to be loved so deeply that it wouldn't matter what happened to my looks. Corey opened my eyes to a beauty I didn't see in myself, He looked at me with those same puppy dog eyes and made me feel just as special, if not more, than before. Yesterday I was selfish and ungrateful. Today, I was humbled. Tomorrow I will be different.
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