Things You Must Know About Girls Who Build Walls

She looks well put together, happy, and seems to always be having a good time. You get to talking to her and you think to yourself, "wow, this girl is pretty darn cool". She's funny, cheerful, and laid back. But the more you talk to her and try to get to know her, you start to notice that she's holding back. She hasn't shared anything personal and when you try to ask any questions about her past or anything dear to her heart, she awkwardly averts the question all together. 

Bingo.

Not only did I just describe myself, but I also described many other girls who present themselves the same. Of course, this isn't only a problem for women (as there are many men who share the same qualities), but today I'm focusing on us girls. We who build walls and fortunately for you, I just happen to be an expert.

Girls Who Build Walls 101

Behind this girl, are ugly stories and past times that haunt her. Upon her face, she wears a frequent smile to hide her pitiful brokenness and it is behind great walls, this brokenness lies. 

1. Alas! You can't fix her. 

For some reason guys seem to be attracted to a damsel in distress. I think something about being a knight in shining armor grants them a sense of masculinity. Anyway, she is not your responsibility, or anyone else's for that matter. So don't bother trying to sweep her off her feet. Not only would it be a waste of your time, but it would also be a tad insulting. That may strike as odd, but in her mind, she is taking care of herself. She's always had to be self sufficient and she's gotten so use to coping in solitude, that it will take more than a boy trying to play hero to change that.

2. Don't try to break down her walls.

I repeat, do not try to break down her walls. She will immediately recognize you as a threat and even if you were so lucky as to remove a brick, she'd insert another (and probably one more after that for good measure). Give her some credit for crying out loud; she put a lot of time in effort into constructing these defenses. How dare you try and destroy them!

3. She isn't ready to let anyone in yet.

She has skeletons in her closet, and she doesn't plan on showing you them anytime soon. Whether it's because she's ashamed of an ugly past or so scarred by it that she refuses to revisit, it is imperative that you accept that she simply isn't ready.

4. If you're trying to earn her love: Good Luck (insert an encouraging pat on the back here)

It's a long journey, and a hidden path in which few have ventured. Unfortunately for you, she's covered it's tracks upon heartbreak. She can't give you her heart, for not only has it not been returned, but when she does get it back, she'll understandably guard it vivaciously. She'll tend to it's wounds and keep it dear to her, for she's realized how painstaking it's absence is.

5. If your still determined to win her over despite these down falls: give her space. 

Tell her how you feel and don't be offended when she needs time to digest it. Be understanding that it's hard for her to trust and even harder for her to open up and let anyone see even the most minuscule hardship she's facing. 

6. Be patient.

Let her try to push through her struggles alone. This doesn't mean you should ignore her, in fact, it's necessary you reassure her that you are there for her. That way she knows if she needs a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on, that she can count on you. She's stubbornly set on helping herself as her resilience has fooled her into thinking she can handle far more than she can carry. It is not until her legs give out beneath heavy shoulders that she is humbled. Humbled from keeping her head high, proud of how strong she is and proud of her tolerance for pain. 

It is in this moment that she is most vulnerable. She will either go to you in desperation, or will instead (and most likely) go through the cycle a few more times, before realizing she really can't do it on her own.

She'll find herself saying "next time I'll be stronger" and "next time I won't break". She'll wonder how many more times she'll have to fix herself before she becomes invincible, or if she's ever even fixed herself in the first place. She'll contemplate if she's been broken all along and only fooled periodically into thinking she had put the pieces back together. 

That is however, for her to figure out. 

7. She will need to fail, most likely several times, before she will come to you.

It is imperative however, that you let her make the first step when she is ready. It will not be until she fails that she recognizes she needs help. Equivocate the process to someone who smokes cigarettes. You can't tell them they to quit; they need to realize it and do it on their own. 

8. Don't have expectations...

Unless you wish to be let down that is, for she is unpredictable and unintentionally destructive. She'll tell you to stay away, and push you away with the mindset that you'd be better off with out her. Of course it's reasonable to expect the norm, like respect and kindness. If she's mean to you/rude to you, I am no way saying it is justifiable because she has problems to work through. That's no excuse and for lack of better words, chances are she's just a bitch (and I suggest you run). Us girls who build walls understand what it is to struggle and so we are cautious in how we treat others. We also wouldn't want to drive everyone completely away because we fear actual solitude (not mental since we self bestow that, but literal, in the realistic sense). We just don't want to tell you our life story and greatest fears is all, hence the guarded persona. Anyway, I digress.

9. Lastly and most importantly: Don't give up on her.

No one said that this would be easy. In fact, she tried everything she could to warn you and send you the opposite direction. She knows that she has a lot of work to do and she knows that it would be far too much to ask you to try and keep up with it. So in a sense of idiotic martyrdom, she gives you a way out because she'd feel guilty asking you to stay. Don't give up though, you've made it this far! 

If you can trudge through her trenches and get through to her, I promise that you will uncover the rawest and truest beauty. Beauty that she herself will never see until someone shows it to her. After all, it is the through great pain and hardship that the most beautiful people are born.

Now you just have to ask yourself: are you willing to dig up this deeply buried treasure?

Soldiers of the Night

Ugly demons patiently waiting,
Singing an eerie tune all day:
"It's time to come out, it's time to play,
as soon as the sun sets,
we'll be on our way."

In the innocence of the night,
anguish lurks beside misery.
Calamity plots it's wrath,
and affliction plants it's seed.

The slumbering lie in undisturbed stillness,
ignorant to thirsty foe,
ready to consume their vulnerability.

Behind fragile eyelids,
unsuspecting, they dream.
A most perfect prey,
to merciless predators unforeseen.

Graciously asleep, each breath a whisper.
If only they knew, just how lucky they were.
Overcome by jealousy,
are the insomnious slaves of the night.

Insomnia chooses its subjects carefully,
bestowing upon them a duty
to obtain balance and
maintain a strict delicacy.

There is a battle to be fought,
in the shadows before dusk.
For we are the soldiers of the the night,
condemned to reap the wrath of it's creatures.

Yet, this martyrdom is not of choice,
but is in fact rather unwilling.
Without consent or trial, we are sentenced
to face the evils of twilight.

Courage is not instilled by a forceful hand,
but instead willfully decided.
Such force ineffectual-
no battle can be won
with an army unwilling to fight.

And so the battle our ancestors lost and
a battle we do not wish to revive.
For we stand not a chance
against well adapted monsters that thrive.

Soldiers no more,
only mere witnesses.
Helpless bystanders hostage to the darkness,
ambiguous to our confinement,
pleading for a good sleeps graces.

Two Types Of People

I believe that there are two types of people in this world.

Person #1	Person #2
Career focused Foresees wealth, big houses, and expensive cars in their future Family is a possibility for them later down the line, if at all.	Family focused Foresees a spouse and children of their own Knows they need enough finances to do so, but doesn't value all the riches in the world over building their own family

Real quick, here's a very vague scenario to get my point across. There are two men named Brad and John, both twenty-one, both just recently starting new relationships, and both working at the same job in New York (let's call it a successful company with equal opportunity for growth). Brad gets a phone call at work- there is a job opening in LA with a higher paying salary and they are interested in meeting with him. Without a thought, Brad accepts the offer and will be on a plane to catch an interview that weekend. As John is getting ready to leave the office, he too gets a similar phone call but asks if he can get back to them. He's hesitant because he just started seeing someone and feels it has potential to go somewhere. He's content with the amount of money he earns and he could support a family of his own if needed. He talks to his girlfriend, calls back the company, and declines the offer. In case you hadn't come to the conclusion yourself, Brad falls under the explanation of Person # 1 and John under the explanation of Person #2.

The scenario may be very black and white, but the bluntness completely supports the concept. You are either a person who looks at your future and first sees a career, or first sees a family. Not saying you can't want both a family and success, because you can (I do), but it is simply not attainable simultaneously. Brad will move to LA if he gets the job and that will be the end of his relationship with his girlfriend. Meanwhile John, decides to stay with his girlfriend and thus further opens the possibility of building a life with her. He values the potential of his relationship over the higher paying job. Brad does not see it this way.

With all that, this jibber jabber leads me to a more pressing and personalized subject. In an attempt to decipher why I can more easily envision myself bearing children as opposed to being the CEO of a large company, I came up with this two types of people theory (although I'm sure I'm not the first to think, write, or share the idea). I am well aware of the complexity and individuality of every person, but I don't think it's unrealistic to say that we can all place ourselves under one of these two simple categories.

I'm a 19 year old young woman, understandably still searching for a profession, still trying to earn self sufficiency, and still unsure of what my future holds for me. When I try to envision my life five years from now, it opens the floodgates to so many fears and unknowns. Yet in the midst of all the chaos there is a resolute vision of all the things I am certain I do want. All in relation to a spouse and children; a family.

I want to stumble into someone absolutely unexpectedly and I want to fall madly in love with them in a way I am most pleasantly surprised. I want a feeling so strong that every heartache, tear shed, and moment of loneliness was all worth the journey that brought me to the man by my side. I want to finally understand, as opposed to anticipate, why it never worked out with anyone else. I want to find someone that exceeds every expectation and makes me laugh in disbelief that I had ever been with anyone else. I want to be so in love that I wake up every morning unable to fathom how I got so lucky as to call this man, "mine". I want to exchange vows and boldly dare the universe to try to separating us, with not a single fear that it actually could because we were invincible together. I want us to single handedly be responsible for the creation of new life and I will be so honored to protect and carry that life until our baby is ready to meet the world. I want to do this not just once, but multiple times. I want to build a sturdy empire. I want to raise our children in a manner that I can present them to the world in confidence that their presence will make it a better place. I do not want them unfamiliar of unconditional love, for I want them to be born into arms that will never make them question their belonging. When I'm a mother, I will be a great one. I say that with unwavering faith because I know every hardship I have ever overcome holds more purpose than for my own self-growth. I will carry these experiences with grace, to and past the day that motherhood is blessed upon me. I will turn to my past times for strength and knowledge, an advantageously use them to be the best mother I can possibly be. Excitement washes over me just thinking about it all. I know it's a lot to want but I also know that no matter what happens, I will make always make due and that the best is yet to come.

How is it however, that at such a young age, I feel that I have the right to even ponder these things, let alone be so eager for this undetermined future? I've been finding myself drooling over babies and daydreaming about a man that says, "Honey I'm home", when he walks in the door. I snap out of these thoughts concerned because I have hardly even started my life yet. Just like when I was a little girl and people used to ask me what I want to be when I grew up- the answer always changes because I'm so interested in so many things! I don't want to work in retail my whole life and I certainly don't plan on finding a man to rely on because I most definitely don't want to be dependent.. So knowing all this, why am I even wasting time thinking about a husband and kids when they are light years away?

Why am I watering these thoughts when there is currently no room for the roots to grow?

The answer is simple. It's because I fall under the category of Person #2. It took me all this rambling to realize that it's simply in my nature and that these thoughts are inevitable. As long as I'm not running around trying to get knocked up, these thoughts are exactly just that- thoughts. No need to worry and no need to go off on a tangent that I'm abnormal for having them. I may not know what career to chose or where I will be five years from now, but there is nothing wrong in knowing where I want to be.

I'm not saying that my only goal in life is to be a wife and a mother, but if I find myself with a baby in my arms and a ring on my finger five years from now, I can't see a single reason why I wouldn't be a happy woman.

An Evergrowing Abyss of Unanswered Questions

It's 3:07 A.M. Here I sit in a dark room with a glowing laptop upon my thighs; typing my thoughts in an attempt to organize them.

After all these years and all the long hours of pondering, self reflection, self contradiction, and an ever growing list of questions with no answers, I wonder if I will ever find what I'm looking for. Maybe I never will and all I'll have left are a bunch of useless questions, burnt bridges, and untied loose ends. I actually think I'm going to drive myself mad on this monotonous journey to find a self that I've never even known.

I ask myself the same questions over and over again. I stay up all damn night till the wee hours of the morning, interrogating and grinding my brain for answers, so much so, that I think it's become mush. Every minute I'm alone I'm left to face my vault of a mind; a vault in which I'm embarrassed to say I've yet to crack. Whether it's a two minute bathroom break or hours of solitude behind closed doors, I find myself frantically searching for reasons why I am the way I am. Reasons why I am so welcoming to people who don't care but so determined to push away the people that do. Reasons as to why I'm so comfortable with confining all my problems into a compact metaphorical box to be tucked away there's no room for it. I suppose it's not so much reason but rather explanation I seek.

Most importantly an explanation as to why I am so distant from my family. I suppose I found myself seeing it as it was their obligation to love me. An obligation out of blood that I inherited and blood that we shared. Without it, there was no tie and there was no love. But seeing as there is no way of severing such bond, they are my family and no distance will change that. A family that I know loves me and a family that I once had a place in- a place I pretended to belong in hopes of truly feeling I did, but I never quite ended up believing it. I ask myself all the time why that is; why that was. Why I've never felt like I've had a home and why I feel like I'm still searching for my place in the world. I don't, nor will I accept my mother to be an excuse I can fall back on, for it cannot be as simple as that. I know my father would disagree; I know he'd say that using my mother as excuse for my mistakes is the bane of my existence; he'd also include some jargon about how I still use the tools from the tool box she once gave me. I know he thinks very little of me, and I don't blame him, because he doesn't know me. He doesn't know the truth of everything I've gone through and everything I fought tooth and nail to keep away from him and anyone who rifled questions my way.

He only knows a frustratingly stubborn little girl; the epitome of a nightmare; the true reason for hair turning grey. The little girl who couldn't see two feet in front of her and open her arms to his unconditional love. He wouldn't know how she tears up thinking about him or how badly she wishes she could find the answers within herself to give him the peace of knowing that he didn't fail her. He wouldn't know that she included him in her prayers every night and thanked the Lord every morning for his saving grace. He wouldn't know any of these things and so much more, and if he were reading this right now, he probably wouldn't believe a word of it because he only knows the girl who was a liar, a con artist, and a chameleon to her surroundings.

An old psychologist/ therapist/ whichever the title, once told me the reason I feel so distant from my family is because the establishment and the structure was all new to me. He told me that because I spent a childhood being shunned, moved around constantly, and without any structure, that it was normal for me to feel the way I was feeling. Normal. 

It still makes me chuckle. Before you think I'm a sick bastard, laughing at the fact that I've got no relationship with a family that has done me no wrongs, bear with me. Normal isn't exactly my forte. Not only do I not believe in the term anyway (who is to say what is normal and what isn't), but in reference to normal in the eyes of society and the way things are supposed to be per-say, I'm far from it. So I chuckle at the words of someone who spent at least eight years of his life getting a degree to listen to my problems then tell me what's normal, what's not, and to finally trick me into thinking he helped me solve my issues. That's what psychologists do. They trick you into thinking that you need their help, they get your money, and all they really do is give you tissues for the tears and guide you to finding the answers within yourself by yourself, essentially making them a useless third party in the whole process if you ask me. 

Of course I found no answers then because I wasn't open to looking for them, but now that I am, it burdens me a great deal that I still can't find them. I've had to have spent hundreds of hours searching every fold of my brain to decipher my shameful actions and emotions, yet despite how many times I look, I continually come up empty handed. Not literally empty handed, as I've come up with a handful of hypothesis' and theories, but I don't accept them. They aren't right to me. Here are a few examples and my thought processes behind them:

1. The reason I am the way I am is because of my mother. Aside from the physical and verbal abuse, the constant yearn for her to love me, and the nomadic ways of life with no structure or settlement, this must surely be why I am *ahem* fucked up.

This seems to be the most sensible answer but I hate the very idea of giving my mother even the credit of this responsibility. Not only do my cheeks tingle with disdain at the thought of her, but the thought of her destruction having a big enough fallout to still have a say in my life makes me shake my head no. I cannot fall back on this excuse anymore. I refuse to. I owe it to my father and myself, to discover what's misfiring in my brain that makes the contradictions in myself and my feelings viable. At this rate and speed, I ought to just admit myself to an anomalisitc psychology research unit to let the experts figure it out themselves.

2. Maybe I am just a shitty person with no morals, no heart, and no sympathy for my actions and how they affect others.

Debunked: This cannot be because I have a very big heart and abundance of sympathy. I feel terrible for removing myself from a body of people who care about me, want the best for me, and loved me without fail. I search for answers more so for them than I even do for myself anymore.

3. Maybe I'm depressed.

Maybe. Not sure if I believe in that to be a valid diagnosis though. Kinda stuck between believing it's an actual medical condition and that everyone experiences the symptoms and feelings that would describe the sickness at some point in their lives (losing interest in things, sleeping too much, not sleeping enough, losing one's appetite, etc), but others cope differently (obviously, that's what makes us individuals).

4. I spend too much time thinking and not enough time doing

Although this is very true, it doesn't change the fact that any actions I could force myself to perform would not be authentic, but would rather be exactly that- forced. So this theory as to why I am the way I am, just arises another question in itself and that is: Why would I need to force myself to make an effort to patch relations with my own family members? My own father? Shouldn't that just be a given? If I'm so afraid of being alone, why am I so content with separating myself from those who care about me? You see that? Questions upon questions. I could keep going, but you get the point.

Within every theory, every thought, every question, arises new questions. More questions and contradicting emotions that leave me still with no answers and a continually expanding abyss of no answers.

So at the now 4:06 A.M, I confirm that the only progress I've made in this per usual quest for answers, is that I've finally accepted I'm simply just f**ked up. 

Ok. That's a lie. I've known this for a long time. I've accepted the fact of the matter, and denied it, then accepted it again, only to then later again deny it. The process is redundant and the literal definition of insanity. 

On the plus side I did just think of a new theory to add to my list: Maybe I am actually the product of a multiverse, created when a different version of myself made the decision to be a complete and utter dumb ass who stomps through life causing destruction on my selfish journey to make sense of things, and if that's the case, then that would mean there is another me in another multiverse who is the antithesis of that. Which in that case would mean she is not destroying things, but doing good things, making good decisions, and has a strong unshaken relationship with all of her family. Without carrying on this pity party any further, one can admit how pathetically unrealistic and a gigantic waste of a time that series of thoughts just was. But hey, that's why they're just thoughts right.

On a real legitimate positive note, I am thankful for my health and a functioning brain that allows me to pick it for that in which I seek everyday. May today be the day I find what I'm looking for. If not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then may the next day lead me to the promised land. 

An Addiction I Can't Afford

You see, our relationship is a broken record,
though no matter how many times I hear it play,
I can't seem to stop listening.

The rhythm is mesmerizing.
The motions habitual.
A melody so soothing,
A song we've grown comfortable.

It's an alluring electricity in our veins,
that makes it impossible to stay away.
For these consuming sensations,
supersede every imperial affliction.

This love,
is an addiction.

I am finally realizing the effects
of these memories we hold onto.
Stuck in a state of nostalgia,
the past times will haunt you.

In hindsight I now see,
I can no longer afford
to let this love reside inside me.

It's time I accepted
sometimes to love you have to let go.
For our love, is a love, we can no longer know.

-s.d

Home

An old poem, from an old notebook, written on an older date.

Home...
"Is where the heart is" they say
But who are "they" to state
Where it is that my heart remains?
I'm just taking things day by day
For my hearts gone astray.
I left it in New Jersey
Or was is Florida, Georgia or Maine?
I've lived in so many different places
That I lost it along the way.
The word doesn't even register
To a brain, this brain, my brain in disarray.

Home.
At the end of a long hard day
Awaits a house, a bed,
And roof over your head.
It's more than just a place to stay
It's a feeling, a warmth, a comforting though
In knowing you have a place to go
At the end of the day.

Home?
It's a word I've never known.
From tents to trailers
To rooms full of night terrors
No food for days as these hunger pains grow
I looked up at the world saying
Damn this place blows.

Home.
Four letters
One word, one Syllable.
But a meaning incomparable
Incomprehensible
To the girl that never knew a home
Not now, not before.

-s.d

Patience in Isolation

I want to believe that true love exists but it's hard to fathom the idea of something existing when your constantly proven and given substantial evidence that it doesn't. I'm actually beginning to feel stupid, getting my hopes up all over again for someone I hardly know. For thinking I should follow my heart despite all the excruciation it's led me to. I thought to myself, that this time was different than any other time I had begun talking to someone. Sure, I was hit with different emotions and a connection like I had never experienced, but this time was no different than the last because this time, I was bound to get hurt again.

So that's why I'm putting an end to whatever this thing with this boy is before it even has the chance to start. I am young and I am lost. Too lost to get involved with someone again. Too lost to let someone in again because the last time I let someone in completely, it nearly destroyed me. I'm content with keeping to myself and managing the pain on my own. I don't want to be alone or feel this intensifying lonesomeness, but on the contrary, it's a price I'm willing to pay in exchange for my tethered heart not to come undone at the seams.

Loneliness is a second nature to me. I can be comfortable in the lull I used to know so well. I can be self sufficient and hold myself together without help from another. I will not be dependent upon anyone but myself and I will continue on this path of existence until I can find it in my heart to love again. I will keep my head up, my heart inside my chest, use my logic to protect me, and my faith to guide me wherever my purpose lies. In the meantime, patience is the most suitable form of action to move forward with in this voluntary isolation I remain.

Empty

I'm alone but without actually being alone if that makes any sense. Not sure why I even formed that statement in a question-some manner because it does make sense. I can only speak for myself as I can vouch for none other, but I have concluded that surrounding yourself with a bunch of people doesn't fill the emptiness. In fact, if anything, it intensifies it.

Here I am, surrounded by a bounty of people, great people, so many people and yet I'm lonelier than ever. I'm not sure I can pinpoint a time I've ever not been lonely.

Have I always been lonely with spurts of a feeling that fills the void, or do I just feel spurts of lonesomeness because that's a part of human nature? I'd like to assume that everyone experiences this feeling at some point in their life but I also worry that maybe I am part of a select percentage consisting of all the broken and unfix-able people who feel lonely until the day they die.

I give endless chances to the wrong people and I push away the ones that are actually willing to stick around and help me sift through the ruins. I push people away that I can see myself opening my heart to because my heart is already an open sore, bleeding disappointment from the few people in my life that I can't seem to close the door on despite every bit of logic that tells me I know better.

It's as if I'm so used to pain that I've become content with it. That pain itself is what actually comforts me and happiness that scares me because it is so unknown. Now how could that be? You may be asking yourself how it's possible that one could be more welcoming to pain than joy, but we are a species of habit- if you were to become conditioned to pain and how to cope with it on a daily basis, you too would be scared to open up to something more. Opening up to the chance of happiness is standing on a tight rope in the Grand Canyon leaving it up to complete faith that the wind won't blow you over.

I actually believe I am afraid of being happy because anytime I feel even an inkling of happy, my world seems to come crashing down in ways I didn't see possible.

No matter how much I try to decipher my seemingly magnetic draw to pain, I can't figure out why I'd be more willing to open the door to a man with a dagger than a man with a bouquet of flowers. Regardless, I suppose I've gotten to the point in my life where I expect the worst and that's what I will get until I demand better.

That said, I'd like to say I know what my next steps to a better life full of love and void of loneliness are, but I don't. I'm frozen in time. I go with the motions day to day and leave my life in the hands of fate. I embrace the pain. I embrace the loneliness.

Upon the beaten path I am complacent in a state of non existent nostalgia.

A Post About An Old Post

entry from a newly found old notebook, written on an unknown date

"I sit in my bed, yet another night with my back toward my roommate and my face staring at a blank wall where all of his pictures used to sit. I took them all down when I got back from the airport and now I like the blankness better quite frankly.

Sitting here looking at this blank white wall, I can relate to it. It's empty, lonely almost. You see, me and this wall have a lot in common. I can vaguely hear my roommate talking to me, but it's muffled and I don't care to focus in- so I don't. Day by day, I sit staring at this wall. My roommate eventually stopped trying to reach me, my friends stopped texting me, and my teachers stopped emailing me. In fact I stopped going to class completely, for I was just too busy.

Staring at the wall.

I stopped eating, nearly completely. I was wasting away- literally. I lost twenty pounds and I looked skinnier than ever, considering my new diet consisted of alcohol and the occasional grilled cheese.

I'd go out and drink myself to oblivion, and quite honestly, I think a part of me hoped that I would be able to just drink myself to death. A painless death in which my last thoughts wouldn't be the ones that drove me mad. I'd part quietly from the world, unnoticed and the slate would be wiped clean. Just like my blank white wall by my bed side.

In fact, a part of me was envious of that wall. It could hold whatever it wanted upon it's surface and it could be taken down at any time. If a picture was there, but it no longer belonged, it could just simply be removed. All of me pleaded and wished that the pain and memories could just be erased like such.

I stopped listening to music, because all my favorite songs brought back the sharpest memories. I stopped eating because I had no appetite. I stopped talking to people because I'd find myself drowning out the noise and lose track of the conversation. I isolated myself from everyone and everything. I no longer cared. I no longer tried. I just existed.

I would literally sit in my dorm all day and go for long late night runs, when the motivation would strike me and no one would be wake to see me. I tried to run away from the pain but no matter how fast I ran, the pain just ran faster. No amount of alcohol could stop it either. Nothing could stop my mind except that damn white wall. I know I've stressed it a lot, and have been a bit redundant, but the truth of the matter is exactly that. My days had become redundant, not that they aren't anyway, but each day was literally the same. I looked terrible. Everyone around me could tell I was deteriorating except me.

Freshman class president, with all the friends on campus, the most outgoing, happy and bubbly person all my peers had known to be, had vanished. People stopped saying hi because they got tired of not hearing a response. I got so sick of the pitiful looks, therefore the reason I stopped leaving my dorm completely.

Out of all the things in my life that I'd been through, it'd surprise anyone to hear that this was what broke me. After all the trauma, the pain, and darkness that I had risen from, it was a boy- heartbreak- that made feel so very unfixable."

It's crazy how we stumble across things that we had forgotten about. I forgot I had written this, but this is an entry from one of my journals. It's hard to fathom that I once felt like this, lost myself like this. It's made me realize that I'm actually still looking for myself. 

How Can You Move Forward Before You've Healed?

You can't.

I can't.

I tried so hard to fake it. I thought if I tried hard enough and tried forcing myself to look at/ document things more positively, that I may actually start to believe it. It's said that one can be so dedicated to a lie and so consumed in that lie, that they themselves, can confuse it as truth. Well, unfortunately that's not the case when  you are using the method to mask and diminish pain in hopes of not having to deal with it. Pain demands to be felt said Van Houton. There is no way to skip a step in the process; any and all attempts to beat around the bush, just feed said bushes roots until you finally realize there is no way around it's infinitely expanding properties. My life is simply in shambles. I've been avoiding it and I've taken every step possible to deface it. There is no way around it. No way out of it's grasp until you solve the problem. There is no way to apply positive thinking if you are applying it to a role it cannot possibly fill; it would seem, I've been trying to force a positive mind upon one that's grieving; I haven't given it proper time to heal.

Write A Book and Get It Published

#36 On my bucket list. Write a book and get it published.

When I was fifteen I started writing a book, not in mind that one day I'd publish it, but in an attempt to cope with and figure out the things I had experienced in my life. Just a few weeks ago however, I found more writings on my laptop that I had completely forgotten about, probably because I was severely depressed a couple months ago not long after I had written them. These writings, are painful, but yet beautiful. They're about my relationship with a special someone before shit hit the fan, and also after shit hit the fan.

It's crazy how these words can bring me back to exactly how I felt when I wrote them. So that's when I decided that I was going to put them in my book. A book about my life. Whether it's a hit or not, I really don't care, but I know I want to publish it one day. It's getting pretty lengthly, and in all honesty it's helped me figure out a great deal of things. Being able to put my thoughts and feelings down, not only captures the moment to be remembered forever, but organizes them in a way that I can move on with my life satisfied.

I hope that one day I can use my story to help others. To inspire others that their life is what they make it and they are not defined by what's happened to them or what they've done. That no matter how dark things might get, there is always a light to be found and there is always a reason to move forward.

Full Circle

Everyone has experienced what it feels like to miss someone, to miss their presence and their character, but have you ever experienced missing someone so much that it hurts? I never knew it was possible. I had grown to keep everyone just out of arms reach of me, because I was so used to people leaving and so used to the pain of being alone. But then I met a person who changed everything. The way I looked at things, the way I looked at myself, and most importantly the way I looked at my relationships with other people.

He sure was something special let me tell you and it aches to have to write that in past tense, but that's exactly where he lies and where our memories sit. I drown out the days and I move forward in time, hoping the clock will heal the wound his absence has left, but time hasn't done much other than dry my eyes.

I miss him. Not us, not our relationship, but our friendship. Our companionship. Every stupid little joke, every phone call, end every confusing part of my life I needed a different perspective and advice on. Now knowing that we will never have that again, just makes the reality of things all the more blurry. I've over scheduled myself with work in hopes to fill the lonely void, but instead I'm only encountered by hundreds of strangers a day, and I can't decide what's lonelier. To be surrounded by strangers in hopes of erasing something that hurts, or to isolate yourself from others to face the pain in solitude. Yet here I am doing both, so I suppose that makes me extra lonely.

I go to work and surround myself by people I don't know, with stories I don't know, and we share light conversations full of nothing significant. When I ask them how they're doing, they all say great, or good, or fine. And when they ask in return how I'm doing, I say "I'm great thanks", meanwhile I am fully aware that isn't always true. Yet we give the same answers and get the same ones in return, not concerned what the real answer is, because no one really cares if you aren't doing well. If you are just trying to get through the day and you haven't been yourself for a while.

So as far as anyone is concerned, I'm doing great.

My smile says I'm happy, my friends think I'm funny, and I gloat about how well I'm doing for myself, but how am I really?

I am doing well for myself, so that's not a lie. But in the end, what's so grand about working back to back, day by day, just to come home and hide from the world and all the beautiful people out there that I'm too afraid to get close to? I'm not doing great, but I'm not doing bad either. I'm just existing, and I suppose that's even worse than the ladder now isn't it?

Anyway, I don't know who's reading this, I don't care if anyone is quite frankly. I just write these things down in hopes of organizing my thoughts and getting some sleep, because lying in bed at night with a racing mind doesn't help me accomplish either.

I miss him.

So much that it hurts. No matter where my mind travels, where it wanders, how many hours of overtime I work, how much I work out, sweat, and run from it, it all goes back to him. Everything comes full circle and I'm back to right where I started.

Promoting Natural Beauty

I'd like to introduce everyone to well, me. Just like every other girl in the world, I once too, was void of confidence.

Unfortunately, most girls never strip themselves of these insecurities and they live with them forever. I mean, how could they not with the tabloids and magazines telling them that beautiful is skinny, tan, blonde and curvy all at the same time? No acne, perfect teeth, perfect butt, boobs, waist, hips, legs, etc.

These girls do indeed exist, but it is not something to aspire to be.

Aspire to be successful. Aspire to be good and to do good things. Aspire to be yourself, to love yourself, and love the day you've been blessed to walk upon. Most importantly, aspire to be happy, because you were made exactly as you were supposed to be!

When I woke up this morning, I took the picture that you see above because that is who I am. No make up, a huge smile to start the day, and the philosophy that natural is indeed beautiful. I am beautiful.

The second you realize that you don't need a product to be beautiful and you find it in yourself to simply be you and everything you were made to be, you will be free from society's expectations. You'll be free because you no longer care to meet them and in my eyes, that's a big accomplishment for women today.

Time

Time. What even is time anyway? Ticks on a clock. The amount of sunlight in the day. The amount of darkness in the night.

Day. Night. Why can't it be night time when the sun shines and day time when the moon shines?

Because someone told us so. Time is man made. Non-existent. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, years. When we break it down, it's all the same and time, really means nothing at all. The sun sets and comes up again, over and over and over as the earth spins on it's axis and revolves around the sun. Every year the earth makes a lap around the sun and we end up in the same exact place once again.

The same place.

A Monday is no different than a Thursday, nor is last week any different from next week. Aside from the weather and temperature, and duration of the sun that shines, every day is literally the same as the last. Different events take place. Different words are spoken. Different meals consumed. But in the end, what's really the difference?

Every day we wake up, eat, go to work, sleep, and do it all over again. I'm stuck in this dull cycle and I don't want to be. I'm at a road block here, not knowing which move to make next to change what it is that I'm not satisfied with. Yet I don't really have much of a choice. I need the finances and despite how little time I have left in the day for just me anymore, it appears this is the only way. If my displeasure now, leads to my success in the future, then I suppose it's worth it.

I just don't know how to feel about where I'm at in my life and I suppose the cyclical  motions drowning out my days doesn't exactly help. The numbness of time and the repetitive ticks on the clock make it hard for me to see past just tomorrow. I'm doing what I'm doing for a better future but that's ironic when it's a future so undetermined with my vision so clouded. 

I wake up. I go to work. Collect my paycheck and go to sleep just to do it all over again. I suppose I just want to know when this broken record will be fixed and when the day will come that I'll wake up and no longer be just going with the motions to get by. I guess I'm just looking forward to the days I don't want to end again because this can't be what growing up is all about. 

I mean. At least I hope it isn't. 

Pain, Love, and Lessons

Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you always expect it be there, because you can't remember a time it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else, something that feels wrong. Wrong because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment, you realize your happy.

Love gave me this feeling. One single, beautiful, and gracious person. I had gotten so used to living a life full of pain that I didn't realize I was resisting something so much larger than myself. It took me two years to give it a shot and only three or four months for the flame to die out.We burned so brightly together and I've realized I was wrong to regret that for the past couple months.

Looking back on it now, I am ever so grateful for the time I spent carelessly happy and blissfully free, no matter how short it lasted. Because to me, every moment of pain I had risen from, was worth every second of love and letting someone in all the way. It was so hard to let go of, because it was such a long journey to get to where we had gotten. Letting him in was the hardest thing I had ever done and in the end it taught me that I can't get through life shutting people out. If I want to live happily that is. That love has taught me more than my words can express and more than I can even fathom right now, and that boy was the single best thing to ever happen to me. He walked into my life and changed everything, and that, is only one of the many things I thank God for every night.

I believe he was my soul mate. But before you mistake my intentions, I do not believe a soul mate is necessarily the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with. In fact, I believe a soul mate is someone who uncovers layers of yourself that you didn't even know you had. Someone who saves you from a great struggle and someone who helps you find who you are supposed to be.

You may think you and your soul mate are meant to be. Hell, I was positive we were and at a time, he was too. Yet, I think we were so meant to be that we weren't. People come into our lives for reasons; whether it's to teach us a lesson or to guide us through the trenches. I believe that he did just that and I believe no matter how messed up everything currently is and how lost I might feel, that I'm still right where I'm supposed to be.

And I have faith that he is too.

Unfinished Just Like Me

I'm trying so hard to be strong
Do this thing on my own
But everything feels so wrong.

I wish I could've known
Just how bad things would end
Oh the ruins that would be left
Among a weak heart to mend.

It's tiring having to pick up the peices
Aware they'll soon be dismantled again.
Indulging in a task that only unleashes
My most inner demons from the bottomless pit
In which they've been.

Sometimes I wonder
Why I even bother
Picking up the debri
When it would appear that's all that's left of me.

-s.d

The song that got me through May

"One Day You Will"
by Lady Antebellum

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

[Repeat Chorus]

One day you will
Oh one day you will

Serenity

I don't know what it is, but when I'm outside under the sun, toes in the water, and in my bikini soaking up every bit of nature around me, it feels like I can finally breathe again.

There's just something about casting a line out on that still water and slowly reeling in your lure. Giving the pole a jerk here and there and steadily turning the handle on the reel.Something about the way the wind blows and the way the sun hits your shoulders. Gosh, I really don't know what it is but there's just something about fishing that soothes my soul. Clears my mind. Makes me happy. I swear I could spend my days like this forever.

When I get older I want a house that sits right on a secluded pond or lake. I'll sit out on my little canoe or boat with a line in the water and a beer in the cup holder. I don't even care how big the fish in the pond are, as long as they aren't those little sharp toothed devils! I mean, it would be nice to have some hogs swimming in my back yard that I could catch and put on my wall, but in the end, that's not what's important to me. 

I'll find a man who enjoys these little things that I do and I'll marry that man. We'll sit in silence on the water or on the shore, enjoying the atmosphere that surrounds us. We'll teach our children how to fish and maybe one day they'll even be better than me, but they'll see they have some catching up to do until then. 

While I was casting away today, this is what I thought about. This brought me such peace and if I achieve these things, then this is a life I'll be proud of.

Re-think.

Today I heard about yet another passing of such a young soul. It pains me to read all the condolences and heartbroken statuses for a peer of mine that I didn't have the pleasure of knowing. It feels like there have been so many deaths lately but maybe I'm just more aware of it all now. Although I didn't know the young man who passed yesterday, my sincerest prayers go out to his family and friends.

It's moments like these that really open your eyes and prove how short life really is. Every moment is so fragile and not one of them is promised.

Every day people pass. Any second it could be you. Nothing is guaranteed in this life and it is so important that we cherish every blessed minute we have on this earth not only ourselves, but also with those around us.

Re-think how you've been living your life. All of us are guilty of taking things and people for granted.

Oh how the thunder does roll, Garth

The thunder rolls
And the lightnin' strikes.
Another love grows cold
On a sleepless night,
As the storm blows on
Out of control
Deep in her heart
The thunder rolls.

Do us both a favor and be straightforward dammit.

"I’m not like all the other guys" he says.

"Your cute and I like you" he says.  "Ya ya I’m sure you say that to all the girls huh?" you reply. "No no no it’s just you. I really like you" he says.

Cheesy pickup lines.

Putting on the “nice guy” face. (How don’t I know the signs of that by now? How can I not possibly tell that a guys is just planning to play me when it has happened so many times already?)
Doing and saying all the right things (How the hell did I not see the red flags?)

Ladies, I think by now we all know what I am referring too. Players. They exist and they’re everywhere and they suck. I don’t think boys understand the toll it has on a girl to be played. I don’t think they can see the damage they are doing when they look at you with that glimmer in their eyes. It makes you feel special, it makes you melt and it’s just as knee weakening as their soft seductive voice that knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Before they even go for a kiss they’re already killing you slowly and by the time they are leaning in, it’s then that they’ve got you hooked.

With kisses of poison they inject venom. Venom that’s addicting. It keeps us wanting more and it’s blinding. It’s not until the “deed” is done that we have the clarity to see what has actually just happened. To hear the words, “I don’t actually like you. I thought we were just messin around”. Ha. Messin around. Is that why you were so persistent? It wasn’t that you actually liked me for me? Is it ever going to be that someone likes me just for me and that for once they aren’t going to want just sex from me.

One urge, one goal, one mission. Whatever you call it, it’s all the same and it disgusts me. You give us false hopes and lower our expectations. You cause girls to degrade themselves, lose respect for themselves and grow to believe and accept that all guys are going to treat us this way; which leads us to settle for less than what we deserve. It’s a terrible cycle. I know that there are girls that do it too but not to the extremities that guys do.

Why don’t you put your extremely good acting kills to use and try out for a soap opera? Or even
better. Maybe if you boys decided to use all that time and effort that you do trying to get girls in bed, and put it into finding one nice girl that can be yours, then you can have all the sex you want with that one person. All that time and effort could be put to good use elsewhere as well. Hell, if you’re too much of a douche bag for commitment, at least save the nice girls the hurt and be straightforward about your motives. That way you’d be saving both our time and especially our feelings because we are girls (we’ll deny it) are kinda stupid sometimes. Sometimes we don’t see what things really are (or we refuse to) and we take you assholes and your bullshit at face value.


I am not disposable. So stop treating me and millions of other women like we are and give us some substance; give us validity; and for the love of god, quit making it utterly impossible for us to find some complacency.

My Favorite Life Lessons Thus Far

1. What's meant to be will be
2. We all make mistakes
3. Regrets are a waste of time
4. Looking back puts a halt on progress
5. Moving on isn't as hard as we make it out to be
6. Life goes on whether you decide to get back up or not
7. It's better to have loved and lost, than to have not loved at all
8. You are in control of your own destiny
9. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
10. If you want to be happy, be

Me

A guy asks me out on a date and my immediate thought is, 'Why?'.

'Why would you want to go out on a date with me?'

Then I start listing all the things that I see wrong with me. I start comparing myself to him and other girls. This boy is kind, athletic, funny, interested in the same things as me and super good-looking; he could have any girl he wants and he's asking me on a date?

Yeah, he sure is. And you know what? He won't be the last guy to do so.

I have stunning blue eyes, silky strawberry blonde hair, and a great smile. I also have a great body- I forget to be appreciative of it, no matter how hard I constantly work to keep up with it. I love exercising and being active. I am extremely athletic and competitive. I love sports, but especially football. I love the outdoors and sitting on a still pond casting toward the shore. I am not the typical girl who loves to shop and do my make-up because I think that natural beauty far exceeds all the fake tans, manicures and foundation caked on your face.

Aside from my looks, I have a killer personality. I am funny as all hell; I can make others laugh just as easily as I crack myself up. I am fun and no matter where I am, what situation I am in, or who I'm with; I make a good time happen anytime. I am creative and innovative- able to make something out of nothing. I appreciate all life's little things and I am easily amused. I am spontaneous. I dance when I hear music and I am silly when I feel like being silly. I smile often and I think the world we live in is an amazing place. I am great with children and will one day be an amazing mother, despite the past misfortunes I have experienced. I look at my traumatic past like it's a stepping stone to a great future. I see it optimistically- that my trials and tribulations have made me who I am today. I am strong, resilient, and brave. I have perspective that many don't, and I use it to my advantage to help others. I am grateful and appreciative, never forgetting to count my blessings. I am wise beyond my years and I am the only one of me there is. I may be hard on myself, but it is days like these that I realize I should be proud of myself. I have come so far and still have so far to go, but I have risen from so much darkness and it's imperative that I remember the progress I've made.

It's time I start believing and stop questioning why a man would ask me out on a date.

I am beautiful, I am me, and there is no one else I'd want to be.

"The Wrong Door"

So today I found myself in a seminar on the very thing I had been avoiding for weeks now- Love.

I was with a girlfriend of mine and we just laughed it off for a bit, because 1.) That's just what we do, 2) We had no plans of even attending this seminar until we walked into the wrong door and had spontaneously decided we might as well just stay, and 3) Because we were both actually quite heartbroken so laughter seemed an easy way to brush it off.

I don't know about my friend, but it was quite frankly painful to listen to the lecture. There were couples there, telling their stories, how they met, etc. But there my friend and I sat. In the back row having a "grand ole time". I believe that she was hurting just as much as me. It didn't take long for our laughter to die down. All it took was for the speaker to start discussing the down sides of love, the very things we fear, and the horrible things we feel. There was other single people in the room too, he was questioning them, helping them. People with different and unique examples of struggles they've been going through. It was like an optimist intervention. It was exactly what I needed to hear, it was the very thought process I have been trying to adopt.

I was consumed by my thoughts and hadn't realized the speaker had walked down the aisle and asked me a question. He was standing right in front of me.



Speaker: Miss? What's your name?

          My friend jabbed me with her elbow.

Speaker: Miss?

Me (shit why me): *ahem* Oh hi, sorry, what did you say?

Speaker: I asked what your name was.

Me: My apologies, name's Sam.

Speaker: Sam. That's a nice name. Now tell me, what brings you and your friend here to this seminar?

Me: We actually opened the wrong door, we were in the city looking around for things to do.

Speaker: So you had no actual destination in mind?

Me: Uh, no. I suppose we didn't.

Speaker: So why do you suppose this was the "wrong door", as you so called it?

Me (stammering): Oh no, I uh, didn't intend for that to uh--

Speaker (interrupting me): No offense taken, but that isn't my point. You said that you had no destination in mind, but that you quote, "came in the wrong door". If you had no place in particular to go, then how do you know that this wasn't the right door? How do you know that this isn't where you are supposed to be at this exact moment? That maybe stumbling in here will change everything about where you currently are in your life. Tell me something Sam, do you have a boyfriend?

          Uhm, excuse me? Did he really just ask me that?

Me: No.

Speaker: So you recently had one but no longer do.

          UHM, DOUBLE EXCUSE ME? 

Me: Yes.

Speaker: And he broke your heart, didn't he?

          This is getting uncomfortable

Me: What makes you think so?

Speaker: Think? Aren't you more curious as to how I know so?

Me(with a chuckle): Enlighten me.

Speaker: You put up this cold front that you think no one can see through, but really all I had to do was ask if you had a boyfriend and you cracked. Your entire posture shifted, your pupils dilated, you gulped as if the very sound made it hard to swallow, and I could nearly feel the pain in the "no" that you spoke.

Me: (silence)

Speaker: Tell me this, did you love him?

           There had to have been 100 other people in the room and he had the audacity to ask such personal question!

Me: No.

Speaker: Lies.

          No shit, I didn't know by sitting down I was giving my consent to group therapy.

Me: (silence)  

          I am not doing this right now. I don't have to, I could just get up and leave right now.

Speaker: No one is this room is going to judge you. Everyone in here is vulnerable and open to new perspectives. Everyone in this room has loved and lost, some are even here with their loved ones; others, just as you, aren't. Chances are, you'll never see this folks ever again so what are you so afraid of?

          Vulnerability. Letting people in. Admitting that I am actually a miserable wreck no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise.

Me: It's not a matter of being afraid, but rather a matter of not being ready to discuss these emotions with anyone, yet alone a stranger.

Speaker: Ah but Sam, strangers are the easiest people in the world to talk to!

Me: Yes, but I prefer not to talk on such a personal level.

Speaker: Understandable. However, I don't want you to walk away from this exchange thinking I was interrogating you so just hear me out for a minute Sam. I may not know the whole story, what his name was, or went wrong between you guys. But I can see the pain on your face no matter how well you do cover it from most and how beautiful of a smile you do have. I can see that you are struggling, I can see that you are lost, and I can tell you with no doubt in my mind that you will get through it. You are a beautiful young woman and there are lots of fish in the sea. Stop thinking about the past, the mistakes, and stop thinking that every door you walk into is going to be the "wrong one". I believe that this door today was the right one and when you lay your head down on your pillow tonight, I hope that you'll believe that too.



And then he turned around, headed back to the front of the room while people clapped, and he continued on speaking to the group. All the while the conversation had now been directed to how we need to start thinking every hypothetical door we walk through is the right one; the one that will change everything for us. Not only was I amazed at the speakers improvisation for his entire talk, but I felt as if the Lord himself had just spoken with me. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt good.

I was utterly shocked. Even more so at how my friend and I left in silence, not saying a word about what just transpired-I didn't know what to say to her. We hadn't really talked about our recent break-ups, but we both knew that we were hurting. When we got on the train my friend handed me her notebook (she's majoring in journalism). She had written down the entire exchange between me and the speaker and she said to me,

"I'll let you post this on your blog if you let me put it in my school's paper".

My mind was blown. She had actually written all that down. I was so caught up in the conversation with the speaker that I was completely oblivious to her scribbling. I had to have this, so I let her post her story as long as she kept my name out of it just like I kept her name out of my blog. So here's my story, on my blog! I added in a few things (like my thoughts in italics), but thanks to her, I have this memory written down on paper to be remembered perfectly forever and I wouldn't want it any other way.

The man was right. I had walked into the right door today. Just a few days ago I was on the river and had decided everything was going to change in my life, and this encounter today was the greatest reinforcement I never even asked for.

I'm Done with Regret

Today I really felt in my element. I went kayaking and I know the picture is crappy- my terrible phone doesn't do the moment justice. It was in this moment, out in the sun and on the beautiful water away from everyone else that I finally felt like I could breathe again. I could think. I could relax and just let go.

I left it all on that river today. All the past, the hurt-everything. Of course I know I'll still feel the pain of heartache and the stress of not knowing where I'm going, but I have faith that I'll find my way and that's more than enough for me.

The only thing you can change about your past is how you feel about it. All my life I've looked back with regret, no matter how much I told myself otherwise. Whether a past action becomes a regret or a lesson is totally up to you. I'm done with regret. I'm finally setting myself free.

Keep Your Head Up

I often find myself wondering why our minds are wired to feed into negativity as oppose to positivity. Why create such a beautiful thing as the human brain, only to waste it on negative thoughts and happenings that we can’t help but fixate on? What about trying to redirect our attention to the good, not necessarily ignoring the bad, but to dealing with it in a way that’s productive and that hopefully solves the problem all together? Well, much easier said than done (speaking from personal experience of course).

But what if it really isn't so hard after all? What if our fixated and stubborn selves don't realize how easy it really is to find silver linings?

It’s hard to accept a mindset of optimism when we are raised in world full of pessimism. So how do we stop the cycle?

We break it.

Surely it takes more than just one person in a world of six billion to do so. I am quite obviously not the only person to share this mindset and to have pondered these thoughts, so if you're someone who has yet to, I think you consider trying it out. Despite the hardships, the past, other people, and no matter how ugly of a day, even the most simple positive can be found.

For example:
You opened your eyes to a new day today didn't you?

No one said life would be easy, and if they did, then you were told a ginormous lie. Our lives, no matter who you are, are all one in the same. It's our trials and tribulations that separate us and make us who we are. It gets hard sometimes- real hard, but it's important to count your blessings and never forget them.

Moral to the story: Keep your head up, no matter how heavy it may get sometimes.

Beautiful

Life is full of its highs and its lows, but it’s important to remember that there is always a needle in the haystack. “Sunshine follows every storm and breaks the dark of every night”-nothing stops the sun from coming up every morning. Shitty dark grey clouds may hide it sometimes, but behind it, the sun is always there.

It’s a shame how quick the moments go when we don’t want them too, and how the clock slows when the days are excruciating. Things will be so good you can’t believe they’re real, and so bad you beg that they aren’t. We think too much and live too little, and by the time we realize we had something great right in front of us, that something’s a fleeting memory. We forget to cherish the moment we’re in, ignorantly thinking the moment will never end, but when it does, it’s gone, and when it’s gone, we feel lost. Lost without that taste of joy- that sweetness that’s nearly perfection.

Unfortunately, I’m in one of those lulls in my life. Fresh out of a time where everything was so good, felt so right, and made me so happy. And I suppose that’s when things hit you the hardest. I lost someone I love deeply, and every ounce of me feels lost. Excuse me, *felt lost until yesterday that is.

I decided it was time to pick myself up, figure out who I am, who I wanna be, and where I wanna go. Otherwise I’ll remain stagnant and go nowhere, and I sure as hell didn’t work so hard to get to where I am and then self destruct. Oh no, not after everything I’ve risen from.

I was told I was beautiful yesterday and I was honored. Words cannot possibly justify how good it felt to hear that one three syllable word. In all honesty, that one word really kicked me in the ass. It picked me up from where I was and I decided I was finally ready to move on from what has been keeping me so low.

If you let it, one word has the power to change everything.

Moving On

No matter how long someone has been a part of your life, it doesn’t mean they necessarily need to stay in it.  If someone detracts from your happiness more than they contribute to it, cut them loose and don’t look back.  Endings are always sad and beginnings are always hard, but do what must be done regardless.

Stronger

Today I really feel stupid. Not the bad kind of stupid, but the kind of stupid that makes you think, “Gee, this really isn’t working and why on earth did it take you so long to realize this?” and then leads you on to a better path. All this time I have been wondering why my once high tolerance for pain has deteriorated so much, when really, the answer is quite simple. I figured out that I’ve come to be someone who fixates on problems too much. All of my life, I've dealt with problems completely out of my control, so when I feel I have some sort of control, I become fixed. I become obsessed with trying to solve them and I persist on trying to do so until I accomplish my goal. Now, if I apply this realization to my relationships with people and how much I’ve been hurting lately, this is the explanation. I continually put myself through the same garbage and hurt from people who don’t appreciate me or simply don't want to be in my life.

Persistence isn’t a bad quality, but when you look at it with the way I am persistent, it becomes a bit overbearing. In all actuality, I probably end up pushing people away all together.

Despite that, I have also realized that one of the biggest contributors to my pain, is well, me. For a long time, I had convinced myself that I must deserve to be treated poorly, seeing as though so many significant figures in my life have done so. I accepted the love that I thought I deserved; the saddest part of that, is that I really wasn’t receiving love at all. Since I can remember, I have held onto the childhood lesson to treat others as you want to be treated. But with certain people in my life that I so badly want to have a good relationship with, I have instead been taken advantage of. I see that I have become the personal doormat of many and shame on me for letting that be so.

And so lastly, I had one more realization today. That no matter how important a person has been, if they are consistently causing you pain, then there has to come a time where enough is enough. A time where you let it go. Where I let it go.

Disassociate. Disassociation is a resolution that I have quite frankly used too many times, but it's all I know. It's the only way I can preserve myself for now. I can’t keep going through this pain in hopes that my voice will be heard when no one is listening. Giving chances upon chances doesn’t get me anywhere, instead it reinforces the behavior I do not want. By being so forgiving and lenient, letting things slide, I am ensuring that I am always going to be there; thus, I am appearing to be weak. Weak I will appear no more. It’s time to stop causing myself unnecessary heartbreak, especially over things that I can predict are coming. People are cyclical and I am going to distance myself from the kind of cyclical that is hurting me deeply. No more tears will be shed- I’ll be stronger.

I’ll be a kind of stronger that I have never known and this is because I will be stronger than I ever have been before.

Him.

I want so badly to just be free from the thought of him.

He haunts my dreams, my wandering mind, and my every move. Rifling through my purse I find that plan ticket stub that was the end of everything, under my bed lies my suitcase that I refuse to touch because inside I know his t-shirt lies, and hell, I can’t remember the last time I turned on the radio and left it up to fate to see what song would bring me to tears this time.

I go for a run to sweat out the very memory of him and shame on me for putting my iPod on shuffle when “I Want Crazy” stabs like knives into my eardrums.

I scroll through my facebook to pass sleepless time and every other post is either his or one he’s tagged in.

I get sprite to drink in the dining hall and I think of him.

I press my lips to a bottle of bud, a handle of tequila, a shot glass. I think of him. I forget about him for the night but as soon as

I lay in bed there he is next to me.

His arms around me and his steady breath buried into my hair.

"Mine"
"Yours"

On my skin I still feel him.
On my lips I still taste him.
Kissing people who's faces are a blur and I still taste him.

Every image, every emotion, every memory crashes into me all at once.
His touch.
His eyes.
All his “I love you’s”
Him.
Oh him and all these damn lies and I think to myself: 'Was it all just a big lie?"

I can’t escape.

At night I pray for him. I ask God to guide him, show him the way and to lead him to happiness because I know he so desperately seeks it. Needs it.

But then I proceed to ask God to just let me forget him. 

I walk with my head down and watch my feet hit the ground.
Everyday is the same.
I take them one at a time.
Trying my best to find my way
without
him.

She's Done Dancing

Sometimes silence is one’s loudest scream,

Tears rolling down soft cheeks,
Leaving behind a limp heart you see.

But you don’t see, you couldn’t,
For she hides the pain and shields the world from seeing
The brokenness of her very being.

She’s trying so hard to hold herself together,
Upon weak knees pleading for days that are better,
Still chasing happiness that seems to last never.

So on drags the day, the weight she carries grows heavier,
The pain manifesting into something larger
And her tolerance deteriorating into one much smaller.

She’s dying inside, the defeat is metastasizing.
She’s crumbling, falling apart and now she is crawling.
The maniacal memories are consuming
The coherent thought she once possessed and
All that’s left is a shell of what she used to be.

For her vibrancy has been replaced with insanity,
Simplicity taken over by atrocious complexity.
Never ending anxiety that has no remedy,
She’s done dancing to an excruciating melody.

-s.d