Re-think.

Today I heard about yet another passing of such a young soul. It pains me to read all the condolences and heartbroken statuses for a peer of mine that I didn't have the pleasure of knowing. It feels like there have been so many deaths lately but maybe I'm just more aware of it all now. Although I didn't know the young man who passed yesterday, my sincerest prayers go out to his family and friends.

It's moments like these that really open your eyes and prove how short life really is. Every moment is so fragile and not one of them is promised.

Every day people pass. Any second it could be you. Nothing is guaranteed in this life and it is so important that we cherish every blessed minute we have on this earth not only ourselves, but also with those around us.

Re-think how you've been living your life. All of us are guilty of taking things and people for granted.

Oh how the thunder does roll, Garth

The thunder rolls
And the lightnin' strikes.
Another love grows cold
On a sleepless night,
As the storm blows on
Out of control
Deep in her heart
The thunder rolls.

Do us both a favor and be straightforward dammit.

"I’m not like all the other guys" he says.

"Your cute and I like you" he says.  "Ya ya I’m sure you say that to all the girls huh?" you reply. "No no no it’s just you. I really like you" he says.

Cheesy pickup lines.

Putting on the “nice guy” face. (How don’t I know the signs of that by now? How can I not possibly tell that a guys is just planning to play me when it has happened so many times already?)
Doing and saying all the right things (How the hell did I not see the red flags?)

Ladies, I think by now we all know what I am referring too. Players. They exist and they’re everywhere and they suck. I don’t think boys understand the toll it has on a girl to be played. I don’t think they can see the damage they are doing when they look at you with that glimmer in their eyes. It makes you feel special, it makes you melt and it’s just as knee weakening as their soft seductive voice that knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Before they even go for a kiss they’re already killing you slowly and by the time they are leaning in, it’s then that they’ve got you hooked.

With kisses of poison they inject venom. Venom that’s addicting. It keeps us wanting more and it’s blinding. It’s not until the “deed” is done that we have the clarity to see what has actually just happened. To hear the words, “I don’t actually like you. I thought we were just messin around”. Ha. Messin around. Is that why you were so persistent? It wasn’t that you actually liked me for me? Is it ever going to be that someone likes me just for me and that for once they aren’t going to want just sex from me.

One urge, one goal, one mission. Whatever you call it, it’s all the same and it disgusts me. You give us false hopes and lower our expectations. You cause girls to degrade themselves, lose respect for themselves and grow to believe and accept that all guys are going to treat us this way; which leads us to settle for less than what we deserve. It’s a terrible cycle. I know that there are girls that do it too but not to the extremities that guys do.

Why don’t you put your extremely good acting kills to use and try out for a soap opera? Or even
better. Maybe if you boys decided to use all that time and effort that you do trying to get girls in bed, and put it into finding one nice girl that can be yours, then you can have all the sex you want with that one person. All that time and effort could be put to good use elsewhere as well. Hell, if you’re too much of a douche bag for commitment, at least save the nice girls the hurt and be straightforward about your motives. That way you’d be saving both our time and especially our feelings because we are girls (we’ll deny it) are kinda stupid sometimes. Sometimes we don’t see what things really are (or we refuse to) and we take you assholes and your bullshit at face value.


I am not disposable. So stop treating me and millions of other women like we are and give us some substance; give us validity; and for the love of god, quit making it utterly impossible for us to find some complacency.

My Favorite Life Lessons Thus Far

1. What's meant to be will be
2. We all make mistakes
3. Regrets are a waste of time
4. Looking back puts a halt on progress
5. Moving on isn't as hard as we make it out to be
6. Life goes on whether you decide to get back up or not
7. It's better to have loved and lost, than to have not loved at all
8. You are in control of your own destiny
9. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
10. If you want to be happy, be

Me

A guy asks me out on a date and my immediate thought is, 'Why?'.

'Why would you want to go out on a date with me?'

Then I start listing all the things that I see wrong with me. I start comparing myself to him and other girls. This boy is kind, athletic, funny, interested in the same things as me and super good-looking; he could have any girl he wants and he's asking me on a date?

Yeah, he sure is. And you know what? He won't be the last guy to do so.

I have stunning blue eyes, silky strawberry blonde hair, and a great smile. I also have a great body- I forget to be appreciative of it, no matter how hard I constantly work to keep up with it. I love exercising and being active. I am extremely athletic and competitive. I love sports, but especially football. I love the outdoors and sitting on a still pond casting toward the shore. I am not the typical girl who loves to shop and do my make-up because I think that natural beauty far exceeds all the fake tans, manicures and foundation caked on your face.

Aside from my looks, I have a killer personality. I am funny as all hell; I can make others laugh just as easily as I crack myself up. I am fun and no matter where I am, what situation I am in, or who I'm with; I make a good time happen anytime. I am creative and innovative- able to make something out of nothing. I appreciate all life's little things and I am easily amused. I am spontaneous. I dance when I hear music and I am silly when I feel like being silly. I smile often and I think the world we live in is an amazing place. I am great with children and will one day be an amazing mother, despite the past misfortunes I have experienced. I look at my traumatic past like it's a stepping stone to a great future. I see it optimistically- that my trials and tribulations have made me who I am today. I am strong, resilient, and brave. I have perspective that many don't, and I use it to my advantage to help others. I am grateful and appreciative, never forgetting to count my blessings. I am wise beyond my years and I am the only one of me there is. I may be hard on myself, but it is days like these that I realize I should be proud of myself. I have come so far and still have so far to go, but I have risen from so much darkness and it's imperative that I remember the progress I've made.

It's time I start believing and stop questioning why a man would ask me out on a date.

I am beautiful, I am me, and there is no one else I'd want to be.

"The Wrong Door"

So today I found myself in a seminar on the very thing I had been avoiding for weeks now- Love.

I was with a girlfriend of mine and we just laughed it off for a bit, because 1.) That's just what we do, 2) We had no plans of even attending this seminar until we walked into the wrong door and had spontaneously decided we might as well just stay, and 3) Because we were both actually quite heartbroken so laughter seemed an easy way to brush it off.

I don't know about my friend, but it was quite frankly painful to listen to the lecture. There were couples there, telling their stories, how they met, etc. But there my friend and I sat. In the back row having a "grand ole time". I believe that she was hurting just as much as me. It didn't take long for our laughter to die down. All it took was for the speaker to start discussing the down sides of love, the very things we fear, and the horrible things we feel. There was other single people in the room too, he was questioning them, helping them. People with different and unique examples of struggles they've been going through. It was like an optimist intervention. It was exactly what I needed to hear, it was the very thought process I have been trying to adopt.

I was consumed by my thoughts and hadn't realized the speaker had walked down the aisle and asked me a question. He was standing right in front of me.



Speaker: Miss? What's your name?

          My friend jabbed me with her elbow.

Speaker: Miss?

Me (shit why me): *ahem* Oh hi, sorry, what did you say?

Speaker: I asked what your name was.

Me: My apologies, name's Sam.

Speaker: Sam. That's a nice name. Now tell me, what brings you and your friend here to this seminar?

Me: We actually opened the wrong door, we were in the city looking around for things to do.

Speaker: So you had no actual destination in mind?

Me: Uh, no. I suppose we didn't.

Speaker: So why do you suppose this was the "wrong door", as you so called it?

Me (stammering): Oh no, I uh, didn't intend for that to uh--

Speaker (interrupting me): No offense taken, but that isn't my point. You said that you had no destination in mind, but that you quote, "came in the wrong door". If you had no place in particular to go, then how do you know that this wasn't the right door? How do you know that this isn't where you are supposed to be at this exact moment? That maybe stumbling in here will change everything about where you currently are in your life. Tell me something Sam, do you have a boyfriend?

          Uhm, excuse me? Did he really just ask me that?

Me: No.

Speaker: So you recently had one but no longer do.

          UHM, DOUBLE EXCUSE ME? 

Me: Yes.

Speaker: And he broke your heart, didn't he?

          This is getting uncomfortable

Me: What makes you think so?

Speaker: Think? Aren't you more curious as to how I know so?

Me(with a chuckle): Enlighten me.

Speaker: You put up this cold front that you think no one can see through, but really all I had to do was ask if you had a boyfriend and you cracked. Your entire posture shifted, your pupils dilated, you gulped as if the very sound made it hard to swallow, and I could nearly feel the pain in the "no" that you spoke.

Me: (silence)

Speaker: Tell me this, did you love him?

           There had to have been 100 other people in the room and he had the audacity to ask such personal question!

Me: No.

Speaker: Lies.

          No shit, I didn't know by sitting down I was giving my consent to group therapy.

Me: (silence)  

          I am not doing this right now. I don't have to, I could just get up and leave right now.

Speaker: No one is this room is going to judge you. Everyone in here is vulnerable and open to new perspectives. Everyone in this room has loved and lost, some are even here with their loved ones; others, just as you, aren't. Chances are, you'll never see this folks ever again so what are you so afraid of?

          Vulnerability. Letting people in. Admitting that I am actually a miserable wreck no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise.

Me: It's not a matter of being afraid, but rather a matter of not being ready to discuss these emotions with anyone, yet alone a stranger.

Speaker: Ah but Sam, strangers are the easiest people in the world to talk to!

Me: Yes, but I prefer not to talk on such a personal level.

Speaker: Understandable. However, I don't want you to walk away from this exchange thinking I was interrogating you so just hear me out for a minute Sam. I may not know the whole story, what his name was, or went wrong between you guys. But I can see the pain on your face no matter how well you do cover it from most and how beautiful of a smile you do have. I can see that you are struggling, I can see that you are lost, and I can tell you with no doubt in my mind that you will get through it. You are a beautiful young woman and there are lots of fish in the sea. Stop thinking about the past, the mistakes, and stop thinking that every door you walk into is going to be the "wrong one". I believe that this door today was the right one and when you lay your head down on your pillow tonight, I hope that you'll believe that too.



And then he turned around, headed back to the front of the room while people clapped, and he continued on speaking to the group. All the while the conversation had now been directed to how we need to start thinking every hypothetical door we walk through is the right one; the one that will change everything for us. Not only was I amazed at the speakers improvisation for his entire talk, but I felt as if the Lord himself had just spoken with me. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt good.

I was utterly shocked. Even more so at how my friend and I left in silence, not saying a word about what just transpired-I didn't know what to say to her. We hadn't really talked about our recent break-ups, but we both knew that we were hurting. When we got on the train my friend handed me her notebook (she's majoring in journalism). She had written down the entire exchange between me and the speaker and she said to me,

"I'll let you post this on your blog if you let me put it in my school's paper".

My mind was blown. She had actually written all that down. I was so caught up in the conversation with the speaker that I was completely oblivious to her scribbling. I had to have this, so I let her post her story as long as she kept my name out of it just like I kept her name out of my blog. So here's my story, on my blog! I added in a few things (like my thoughts in italics), but thanks to her, I have this memory written down on paper to be remembered perfectly forever and I wouldn't want it any other way.

The man was right. I had walked into the right door today. Just a few days ago I was on the river and had decided everything was going to change in my life, and this encounter today was the greatest reinforcement I never even asked for.

I'm Done with Regret

Today I really felt in my element. I went kayaking and I know the picture is crappy- my terrible phone doesn't do the moment justice. It was in this moment, out in the sun and on the beautiful water away from everyone else that I finally felt like I could breathe again. I could think. I could relax and just let go.

I left it all on that river today. All the past, the hurt-everything. Of course I know I'll still feel the pain of heartache and the stress of not knowing where I'm going, but I have faith that I'll find my way and that's more than enough for me.

The only thing you can change about your past is how you feel about it. All my life I've looked back with regret, no matter how much I told myself otherwise. Whether a past action becomes a regret or a lesson is totally up to you. I'm done with regret. I'm finally setting myself free.

Keep Your Head Up

I often find myself wondering why our minds are wired to feed into negativity as oppose to positivity. Why create such a beautiful thing as the human brain, only to waste it on negative thoughts and happenings that we can’t help but fixate on? What about trying to redirect our attention to the good, not necessarily ignoring the bad, but to dealing with it in a way that’s productive and that hopefully solves the problem all together? Well, much easier said than done (speaking from personal experience of course).

But what if it really isn't so hard after all? What if our fixated and stubborn selves don't realize how easy it really is to find silver linings?

It’s hard to accept a mindset of optimism when we are raised in world full of pessimism. So how do we stop the cycle?

We break it.

Surely it takes more than just one person in a world of six billion to do so. I am quite obviously not the only person to share this mindset and to have pondered these thoughts, so if you're someone who has yet to, I think you consider trying it out. Despite the hardships, the past, other people, and no matter how ugly of a day, even the most simple positive can be found.

For example:
You opened your eyes to a new day today didn't you?

No one said life would be easy, and if they did, then you were told a ginormous lie. Our lives, no matter who you are, are all one in the same. It's our trials and tribulations that separate us and make us who we are. It gets hard sometimes- real hard, but it's important to count your blessings and never forget them.

Moral to the story: Keep your head up, no matter how heavy it may get sometimes.

Beautiful

Life is full of its highs and its lows, but it’s important to remember that there is always a needle in the haystack. “Sunshine follows every storm and breaks the dark of every night”-nothing stops the sun from coming up every morning. Shitty dark grey clouds may hide it sometimes, but behind it, the sun is always there.

It’s a shame how quick the moments go when we don’t want them too, and how the clock slows when the days are excruciating. Things will be so good you can’t believe they’re real, and so bad you beg that they aren’t. We think too much and live too little, and by the time we realize we had something great right in front of us, that something’s a fleeting memory. We forget to cherish the moment we’re in, ignorantly thinking the moment will never end, but when it does, it’s gone, and when it’s gone, we feel lost. Lost without that taste of joy- that sweetness that’s nearly perfection.

Unfortunately, I’m in one of those lulls in my life. Fresh out of a time where everything was so good, felt so right, and made me so happy. And I suppose that’s when things hit you the hardest. I lost someone I love deeply, and every ounce of me feels lost. Excuse me, *felt lost until yesterday that is.

I decided it was time to pick myself up, figure out who I am, who I wanna be, and where I wanna go. Otherwise I’ll remain stagnant and go nowhere, and I sure as hell didn’t work so hard to get to where I am and then self destruct. Oh no, not after everything I’ve risen from.

I was told I was beautiful yesterday and I was honored. Words cannot possibly justify how good it felt to hear that one three syllable word. In all honesty, that one word really kicked me in the ass. It picked me up from where I was and I decided I was finally ready to move on from what has been keeping me so low.

If you let it, one word has the power to change everything.

Moving On

No matter how long someone has been a part of your life, it doesn’t mean they necessarily need to stay in it.  If someone detracts from your happiness more than they contribute to it, cut them loose and don’t look back.  Endings are always sad and beginnings are always hard, but do what must be done regardless.

Stronger

Today I really feel stupid. Not the bad kind of stupid, but the kind of stupid that makes you think, “Gee, this really isn’t working and why on earth did it take you so long to realize this?” and then leads you on to a better path. All this time I have been wondering why my once high tolerance for pain has deteriorated so much, when really, the answer is quite simple. I figured out that I’ve come to be someone who fixates on problems too much. All of my life, I've dealt with problems completely out of my control, so when I feel I have some sort of control, I become fixed. I become obsessed with trying to solve them and I persist on trying to do so until I accomplish my goal. Now, if I apply this realization to my relationships with people and how much I’ve been hurting lately, this is the explanation. I continually put myself through the same garbage and hurt from people who don’t appreciate me or simply don't want to be in my life.

Persistence isn’t a bad quality, but when you look at it with the way I am persistent, it becomes a bit overbearing. In all actuality, I probably end up pushing people away all together.

Despite that, I have also realized that one of the biggest contributors to my pain, is well, me. For a long time, I had convinced myself that I must deserve to be treated poorly, seeing as though so many significant figures in my life have done so. I accepted the love that I thought I deserved; the saddest part of that, is that I really wasn’t receiving love at all. Since I can remember, I have held onto the childhood lesson to treat others as you want to be treated. But with certain people in my life that I so badly want to have a good relationship with, I have instead been taken advantage of. I see that I have become the personal doormat of many and shame on me for letting that be so.

And so lastly, I had one more realization today. That no matter how important a person has been, if they are consistently causing you pain, then there has to come a time where enough is enough. A time where you let it go. Where I let it go.

Disassociate. Disassociation is a resolution that I have quite frankly used too many times, but it's all I know. It's the only way I can preserve myself for now. I can’t keep going through this pain in hopes that my voice will be heard when no one is listening. Giving chances upon chances doesn’t get me anywhere, instead it reinforces the behavior I do not want. By being so forgiving and lenient, letting things slide, I am ensuring that I am always going to be there; thus, I am appearing to be weak. Weak I will appear no more. It’s time to stop causing myself unnecessary heartbreak, especially over things that I can predict are coming. People are cyclical and I am going to distance myself from the kind of cyclical that is hurting me deeply. No more tears will be shed- I’ll be stronger.

I’ll be a kind of stronger that I have never known and this is because I will be stronger than I ever have been before.

Him.

I want so badly to just be free from the thought of him.

He haunts my dreams, my wandering mind, and my every move. Rifling through my purse I find that plan ticket stub that was the end of everything, under my bed lies my suitcase that I refuse to touch because inside I know his t-shirt lies, and hell, I can’t remember the last time I turned on the radio and left it up to fate to see what song would bring me to tears this time.

I go for a run to sweat out the very memory of him and shame on me for putting my iPod on shuffle when “I Want Crazy” stabs like knives into my eardrums.

I scroll through my facebook to pass sleepless time and every other post is either his or one he’s tagged in.

I get sprite to drink in the dining hall and I think of him.

I press my lips to a bottle of bud, a handle of tequila, a shot glass. I think of him. I forget about him for the night but as soon as

I lay in bed there he is next to me.

His arms around me and his steady breath buried into my hair.

"Mine"
"Yours"

On my skin I still feel him.
On my lips I still taste him.
Kissing people who's faces are a blur and I still taste him.

Every image, every emotion, every memory crashes into me all at once.
His touch.
His eyes.
All his “I love you’s”
Him.
Oh him and all these damn lies and I think to myself: 'Was it all just a big lie?"

I can’t escape.

At night I pray for him. I ask God to guide him, show him the way and to lead him to happiness because I know he so desperately seeks it. Needs it.

But then I proceed to ask God to just let me forget him. 

I walk with my head down and watch my feet hit the ground.
Everyday is the same.
I take them one at a time.
Trying my best to find my way
without
him.

She's Done Dancing

Sometimes silence is one’s loudest scream,

Tears rolling down soft cheeks,
Leaving behind a limp heart you see.

But you don’t see, you couldn’t,
For she hides the pain and shields the world from seeing
The brokenness of her very being.

She’s trying so hard to hold herself together,
Upon weak knees pleading for days that are better,
Still chasing happiness that seems to last never.

So on drags the day, the weight she carries grows heavier,
The pain manifesting into something larger
And her tolerance deteriorating into one much smaller.

She’s dying inside, the defeat is metastasizing.
She’s crumbling, falling apart and now she is crawling.
The maniacal memories are consuming
The coherent thought she once possessed and
All that’s left is a shell of what she used to be.

For her vibrancy has been replaced with insanity,
Simplicity taken over by atrocious complexity.
Never ending anxiety that has no remedy,
She’s done dancing to an excruciating melody.

-s.d